Coping With the Holidays While Grieving

Christmas has always been a time for family. But when you feel like a part of your family is missing, it can be a particularly difficult time of year. Although it has been thirteen years now, I vividly remember our first Christmas after Bret died. He was born with angel wings in August 1995, but his original due date was November 30. Therefore, we had planned on having a new baby with whom to celebrate Christmas with that year. That Christmas, I worried that my emptiness would swallow me.
In the past, I relished our tradition of opening up a nice bottle of wine, cranking up the Christmas carols on the stereo, and helping our son put as many lights and ornaments on the tree as we could without toppling it over. That Christmas, we continued our tradition for our son's sake, but my heart just wasn't in it. Everything took on new meaning that year. Remembering that it was baby Jesus' birthday just reminded me of the baby I lost. The angel we always put on top of the tree gained new significance—I prayed an angel like that one would be watching over my baby. Shortly after Bret died, we were touched to find a teddy angel ornament that was dressed in blue. That Christmas, it was the last ornament we put on the tree, and many tears flowed that night as we ached for our baby boy to be with us. I dreaded Christmas day, not wanting to revisit my pain.
But like most other anxious experiences, the time leading up to the event was worse than the day itself. On Christmas morning, I began to find solace in the symbolism of the season, and I found a lot of comfort in our little blue teddy angel. I felt as though Bret was there with us. Losing Bret made me cherish my son and husband even more. It turned out to be one of the most meaningful Christmas seasons I had ever experienced.
The most important tip for handling the holidays after a major loss is to be gentle with yourself, and do what feels the most comfortable. Here are some other suggestions:
-Acknowledge that Christmas is coming. As much as you may want to avoid it, you can't.
-Try not to “float” into Christmas. Be deliberate in choosing what you would like to do.
-Avoid thinking about what you “should” do. You need to do what is right for you instead of feeling obligated. Decide to do what you can manage and let your friends and family know. There are no “right” or “wrong” ways to celebrate the holidays.

Click here to read the article in it's entirety: http://nationalshare.blogspot.com/2011/12/coping-with-holidays-while-grieving.html.

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Christmas Grief

Christmas has always been a time for family. But when you feel like a part of your family is missing, it can be a particularly difficult time of year. Although it has been thirteen years now, I vividly remember our first Christmas after Bret died. He was born with angel wings in August 1995, but his original due date was November 30. Therefore, we had planned on having a new baby with whom to celebrate Christmas with that year. That Christmas, I worried that my emptiness would swallow me.
In the past, I relished our tradition of opening up a nice bottle of wine, cranking up the Christmas carols on the stereo, and helping our son put as many lights and ornaments on the tree as we could without toppling it over. That Christmas, we continued our tradition for our son's sake, but my heart just wasn't in it. Everything took on new meaning that year. Remembering that it was baby Jesus' birthday just reminded me of the baby I lost. The angel we always put on top of the tree gained new significance—I prayed an angel like that one would be watching over my baby. Shortly after Bret died, we were touched to find a teddy angel ornament that was dressed in blue. That Christmas, it was the last ornament we put on the tree, and many tears flowed that night as we ached for our baby boy to be with us. I dreaded Christmas day, not wanting to revisit my pain.
But like most other anxious experiences, the time leading up to the event was worse than the day itself. On Christmas morning, I began to find solace in the symbolism of the season, and I found a lot of comfort in our little blue teddy angel. I felt as though Bret was there with us. Losing Bret made me cherish my son and husband even more. It turned out to be one of the most meaningful Christmas seasons I had ever experienced.
The most important tip for handling the holidays after a major loss is to be gentle with yourself, and do what feels the most comfortable. Here are some other suggestions:
Acknowledge that Christmas is coming. As much as you may want to avoid it, you can't.
Try not to “float” into Christmas. Be deliberate in choosing what you would like to do.
Avoid thinking about what you “should” do. You need to do what is right for you instead of feeling obligated. Decide to do what you can manage and let your friends and family know. There are no “right” or “wrong” ways to celebrate the holidays.

Click here to read the article in it's entirety: http://nationalshare.blogspot.com/2011/12/coping-with-holidays-while-grieving.html.

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Getting Past the Holiday

Do we need to "get past Christmas" or Thanksgiving for that matter? Just as the sun rises the holiday season will come. The world will celebrate whether we want to avoid facing the festivities without our babies or not. Shouldn't we still be thankful for our blessings and enjoy Christmas? The world would expect as much, and we may or may not expect it and want it for ourselves and out families. It can be hard; but whether you wish to be joyful or not, here's some collected ideas to make all your Christmases a little brighter:

-Buy a beautiful Christmas candle and light it each day through December. It can be a daily, silent reminder of your baby and maybe make the whole house seem just a bit warmer.

-Plan your shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives. Try shopping at a different mall, and go early in the day before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Or shop online!

-Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts. Many friends would love to help but need to be asked.

-Consider changing your traditional family Christmas letter. Feel free to mention your loss. You may feel good sharing your feelings and others may benefit from hearing it as a reminder of the "true meaning of Christmas".

-Give yourself permission to change family traditions. Doing things differently this year may help to ward off some bad memories or expectations.

-Try a new idea when you are getting ready to hang up Christmas stockings. Go ahead and hang one up for your baby. Encourage each family member to write a note to the baby that can be read on Christmas Eve. A flower placed in the stocking for Christmas morning is a sweet sight.

-Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away, pick out a special card to send or take a plant o someone.

-Contribute to your favorite charity in your baby's name.

-Pamper yourself this month. Be determined to buy yourself a present.

-Plan on taking the time to cry. It is normal to have to cry during the holidays. Holidays intensify all emotions. Why should your loss be any different?

From "Getting Past Christmas" by Carlene Vester Eneroth

Special Handling Please

I was handed a package the other day.
It was wrapped securely to be mailed away.
Attached to the outside as plain as could be
Was a simple note for all to see.

Please rush through the holiday season,
Too painful to open for any reason.
Contained within find one broken heart -
Fragile, broken, and falling apart.

Tried to go shopping the other day.
The hype of the season blew me away.
Sat down to write cards,
That was insane.
Couldn't find the list
Or think of my name.

People say,
"Come over, be of good cheer," and
"Celebrate the holidays,
Prepare a New Year."

But my grief overwhelms me
Like waves in the sea.
Can they cope with my crying,
and unsettled me?

I don't have any holiday cheer.
Decorations, traditions, big family meal,
I can't do this year.
Do you know how I feel?

Guilty and frustrated!
I've let everyone down!
Our holiday celebrations
Used to be the best in town.

So just ship me away,
Address unknown.
When my grief is better
I might fly home.

-Author Unknown

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

-Wanda Bencke

Beaded Angel Ornament

You can make one in memory of any loved one passed.

Where Are You Christmas?

This song touches my heart every Christmas. I have always loved Christmas, but just couldn't get into the spirit of it the year we lost Olivia. Then I heard this song. It didn't magically make me feel better and make my Christmas perfect, but it did remind me that it's okay to be sad and grieve. There will be many more Christmas' to come, and though she is not there in person Olivia will always be there is spirit. Since then she has become my Christmas spirit. The last verse of the song may not apply now, but I could cling to the hope it inspires that one day it will apply - that one day I will be healed in a way that I am able to be happy knowing she is safe and sound and having a wonderful Christmas right along with us. What a gift a child is, and who better to know this than someone who has lost theirs. Who better knows of the pain our Heavenly Father experienced when He gave His Only Begotten. In time Christmas will take on this new meaning for those who have lost children, and they will see Christmas in a way they never thought they could. When you are ready, and if you let it, you will one day see the gift that Christmas really represents, be filled with the hope of it, and be able to hold your child in your heart with joy.

Christmas Box Ceremony

The Christmas Box Angel Statue was introduced to the world in the book The Christmas Box, a worldwide bestseller and hit television movie by author Richard Paul Evans. In the book, a woman mourns the loss of her child at the base of an angel monument. Though the story is mostly fiction, the angel monument once existed but is speculated to have been destroyed. The new angel statue was commissioned by Richard Paul Evans, in response to reports that grieving parents were seeking out the angel as a place to grieve and heal. The monument was dedicated on December 6, 1994-corresponding with the date of the child’s death in The Christmas Box (Coincidentally, Dec. 6th is celebrated in many parts of the world as Children’s Day). At the request of Sexton Paul Byron and Salt Lake City Mayor Deedee Corradini, Salt Lake City donated the land on which the monument stands. The sculpture is the creation of a father and son from Salt Lake City, Utah, Ortho and Jared Fairbanks, and modeled according to the description in Evans’ book. The face of the angel is that of Evans’ second daughter, Allyson-Danica. If you look closely you can find on the angel’s right wing (west) the word "hope."Flowers, sent from around the world, adorn the base of the monument year round, accompanying notes left by parents for their "little angels." On December 6th of each year (7 p.m. MST) a candlelight healing ceremony is held at the base of the Christmas Box Angel monument. After a few remarks, a moment of silence, and the lullaby of a children’s choir, the attendees are invited to leave a white flower at the base of the angel statue. The public is welcome.

In addition to the angel in the Salt Lake City cemetery, there are Christmas Box Angels in more than 25 other areas erected by great people just like you. Furthermore, there are nearly 100 in the works, and at least a dozen of these have dedication dates. Click here to locate a Christmas Box Angel near you.

My Little Girl

I met you last year, and the time we spent together was brief
You may not know this, but at first glance I knew you were sweet.

I held you in my arms and I saw your whole life pass by in a glance
I saw your first day of school, and your first high school dance.

I saw your first baby steps and the first tooth that came in
I heard the first time you said "Da-da," and saw the first time I let you win.

I saw your first walk to school, on your first day of class.
I could picture me saying how I thought time was going by too fast...

I saw from your very first Christmas, and your first Easter egg hunt.
To the very first Halloween costume that you really did want.

I imagined reading you books as you fell fast asleep for the night
And I would give you advice as you went through the pitfalls of life.

I could see your first boyfriend, through giving you away at the altar.
Now, you can guess that the man holding you in his arms was your father.

You may not have been able to see me but I know you felt my love.
I know you felt my kisses and all my gentle hugs.

You will forever be with me, no matter where I am in this world.
My name is [___], but call me "Daddy," and you will always be my little girl.

-Dennis Sparrow

Quiet Christmas Star

Light a quiet candle.
Send a quiet kiss,
Say a quiet fare-thee-well
To the one you miss.
Light a quiet candle,
Shed a quiet tear,
Sing a quiet lullaby,
And the quiet Christmas star will hear.

-Sasha Wagner

A Christmas Poem

I believe in Heaven, where Santa does not go,
But instead the tiny angels find their homes below.

They mend our broken hearts.
They wipe away our tears.
They impart their loving tenderness.
They blow away our fears.

As vivid as the magic of Christmas,
With all the sights and sounds,
With twinkle lights and holly,
Their love is all around.

So have hope no matter what you do.
Your little piece of heaven
Will help you through.

Peace.

-Anne Stenebjem

Christmas Dress

Yes, we are the kinda parents who would have made her wear this to church. :) Okay, maybe not the hat. Wouldn't this be cute with little white tights?!

Our Christmas Box Ceremony

Olivia's rose is the pink one at the very bottom, front, left corner of the angel statue. We are so glad we went. It felt comforting to us both to be surrounded by people who understood our loss and feelings at this time of the year.

Seasons

It's that special time of year for many
Gifts and songs and wonder plenty
Colors bright and life anew
Holiday cheer and friendship true
Yet for some, the pain of sorrow and
Not knowing what will come tomorrow
In the wake of mourning a child's death
Moment by moment they walk the path
Trying to survive grief's grip of wrath
Be gentle with them this time of year
Whom death has crossed, their cries please hear
Hearts are broken 'neath sorrow and tears
Today, tomorrow, and all of their years
Offer them gifts of kindness and amity
As they face each day of boundless calamity
Light a candle, say a prayer for those who mourn
Who cannot rejoice, their lives now torn
Remember their child and honor their pain
Share the burden and help them sustain
This holiday season, the best gifts you can share
Are your heart and your love,
Your solace and care.

-Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

We're Pregnant!

Here's the story of when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, and how we told our family:

Hubby and I had the day off of work for a fertility appointment. We figured we'd take a prego testo before we went just in case. Well, after almost 9 months of taking the tests we didn't expect to get anything other than a negative. It was positive immediately. I couldn't believe it. My eyes got huge, and my jaw dropped. I just stood there for a minute. I picked it up and tried to take it to Hubby a few times, but kept turning around, putting it in the light, and staring at it. After not hearing anything from me for a couple minutes Hubby hollered, "What does it say?", or something like that. I said, "Well, tell me what you think.", and took it to him. He saw my hand shaking when I handed the test to him and got an excited look on his face. He looked at it, then looked at me with the biggest smile. "We're pregnant! We're pregnant! Oh, my gosh!" was said a lot. Big hugs and kisses. We went out and bought a baby book that evening.

We wanted to wait until Christmas to tell anyone about it. It was our year to go to my hometown. We pasted pictures of the positive test in Christmas cards. We took one back home and taped one to Hubby's parent's Christmas gift. After my Momma and Grandma picked us up at the airport we went out to eat. Before we ate I handed Momma the card. She opened it, but she and Grandma couldn't make out what the picture was. At first she said, "What is it, a nail file?" I told her to turn it sideways and then she saw it. She yelled "You're pregnant? You're pregnant?" so loud that the whole restaurant knew. Big hugs and kisses. We had planned for Hubby's Dad to open his and Mom's card at the Christmas get-together with the family even though we weren't able to be there. He did, couldn't make out what the picture was, and put the card aside. Someone asked him what it said. He picked it up again, looked at it, and though it was maybe a nail file. The whole while Hubby was on the phone with one of his sisters. Hubby told his sister to tell Dad to hand the card to a girl. He did, and then everyone knew. Lots of congrats over the phone.