Sadness and Hope

"I can promise you that you will not forget , though the world will move on - maybe without you - for a quiet space anyways- and that sometimes you need to sit with sadness as your friend, to invite her in for tea so that she may tend your suffering - that you should embrace her, welcome her, and listen to her wisdom, for she cannot leave your door until you do..."

- Unknown



"There are times when there are too few words left to heal us, when what we wish for is to be carried, when all we have left is the hope that tomorrow will be a more gentle place to land than today."

-Unknown

Oh Mother, My Mother

Oh Mother, my mother
I touch your tears,
invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often in the day,
in the night,
in your dreams
going into an empty nursery
knowing I'll never be there
but I am...
in your heart,
in your soul,
I shall always be
for you gave so unselfishly of yourself
Inside of you, you created such a world for me
a world of laughter,
of love of sadness,
of sorrow
every emotion people come to know you shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating,
like a lullaby,
singing me to sleep
and your spirit giving me a safe haven
already protecting me,
nurturing me
preparing me for things to come
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
and yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay
I wish this was a decision I could make
and I know you do too.
Know this, wherever you are:
I will always remember that yours was the first love
the first joy,
the first soul I will ever know
you gave me the courage to go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.

Author: Theresa Cochrane

Thank you to the friend who shared this poem with us.

Olivia's Birth Story

I was having contractions all weekend so I went in 1 day early for my 24 week check-up. Hubby went with me. My belly measured small and the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. The doctor said she didn't want to send me home without hearing a heartbeat so we went to the ultrasound room. We saw out little girl, but she was still and so was her heart. That night we talked a lot, cried a lot, and made decisions. Per the doctor we went to the hospital at 6:00 AM the next day. We had to fill out all kinds of papers including a death certificate. A lady from the SHARE program came to talk with us, comfort us, and try to prepare us. I was induced. It made my labor start very fast and very hard. I had a few episodes of hard labor pains. While trying to give me morphine via IV the nurse accidentally pulled out my IV so I had to have another one started during some very hard contractions. The morphine didn't help one bit. I got sick a couple of times. The nurse went to get someone to give me an epidural (without asking us) because my pains were so hard. While she was gone Olivia was born at 3:05 PM with only Hubby and I in the room. We paged the nurse to come back. She paged the doctor to come to the hospital. About 20 minutes later the doctor came and took Livy out of her sack, cleaned her, wrapped her, and gave her to me. She was beautiful. Perfect. 9.1 ounces and 8 1/4 inches. Hubby and I were in love. The doctor was able to tell it was a cord accident that took Livy. Ladies from the SHARE program had made tiny clothes including a cap and a tiny quilt. They dressed and rewrapped Livy for us. After a couple of minutes it was time to deliver the other stuff. It wouldn't come. I was induced over and over again. I pushed and pushed. The doctor reached in and pulled on it a couple of times. There was so much blood. I was getting weak. After 3 hours, and no contractions, the doctor said I was losing too much blood to push any more and I had to have a D&C. Hubby stayed in our L&D room with Livy. 45 minutes later I was with Hubby and Livy again.

I was given medicine to stop the bleeding. We spent time with our precious daughter. I rocked and Hubby sang. We took pictures. She had my lips and long legs. She had Hubby's feet and bum. The ladies from the SHARE program did a foot mold for us. The whole day was surreal. It was the best and worst day of my life. Somehow I felt happiness though. It was so good to meet her. This little one I had wanted for so many years. She is and will forever be our little girl. Our 1st born. Our family's angel. We just love her so much. About 11:00 PM we called the mortuary to pick Livy up. Around midnight we were moved to a postpartum room. It was amazing to feel the immediate difference of no warm fuzzy spiritual presence in that room as compared with the L&D room. All through the night and the next day I was given meds to stop the bleeding and had my vitals checked every 2 hours. Hubby slept on a fold-out couch in my room. Much to our dismay the cleaning lady told us "Congratulations!". We were able to leave the hospital at 7:30 PM the day after Livy was born. We were also able to hold her at the funeral home before her burial. We picked out pink granite for her headstone. There will be an angel child on it.