Without

They say there is a reason.
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor season
Will change the way I feel.
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles.
No one knows how many times
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something
So there won't be any doubt.
You're so wonderful to think of,
but so hard to be without.

-Unknown

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Should / Would Be

Getting together with family this past weekend was wonderful, but a little tough at the same time. We all know Olivia should have been there crawling around. Seeing the two youngest grandkids play together was the toughest knowing there was someone missing who would be right in between them in age. It's a weird feeling. She's there in the back of my mind. Sometimes I thought I saw a glimpse of her in amongst the other kids. But it didn't make me cry. It made me smile. My daughter who I am so very proud of. It would just be nice if I could brag on her like other moms do. What a valiant little spirit she is. I know she comes to visit. Instead of making me feel sadness from her absence it made me happy for her presence. What a gift she is.

I don't mention this to make others feel they have to do something about it. No need to tiptoe. This is something we will carry for the rest of our lives. Nothing to do about it. Life goes on and time heals though scars remain. We are just still learning how to live with the scars.

Some days are very hard for me, yes, but this was different. It is sad she wasn't there in body, but I know she is where she is meant to be. I am glad to be reminded of her. Even if it's of her absence. I know where she fits in, and she does too. Someday that little piece of the puzzle will be put in it's place and what a beautiful picture we'll have.

My good sweet girl. Momma IS proud of you, and loves to think of you. How wonderful to have felt peace in the obvious presence of your absence.

Lately

Lately I've been missing Olivia more than usual. I don't have many memories of her, so the few I do keep running through my mind. Unfortunately most of them are mixed with sadness because she was born still. It was like I was watching a movie, but was in it. Going from one day expecting a bouncing baby girl in three months, to the next day being induced and in labor giving birth to my dead daughter. I remember the labor pains, and the helpless look on Hubby's face. I remember the tears and look of pity from the nurses. This is not what I wanted. I wanted my healthy baby girl and happiness around me and congratulations. I don't know that I'll ever have that. Every gal dreams of being in the hospital bed holding her baby with flowers and pink or blue balloons around and having family visit. Slowly those dreams are dying for me. I am, however, eternally grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant, feel my baby move within me, and to have given birth. I know lots of women aren't even blessed with that, and thank the Lord every day for it. As bad as it hurt, I can honestly say I loved it because it was all I ever wanted.

This song reminds me of the day Livy was born:

Olivia's absence has been much more apparent lately. I don't know what it is. I've gotten used to everyone having babies around me, so it's not that. I don't know why, but her absence was very obvious to me on our recent camping trip. I felt someone was missing from our family. Even though I never had to care for her outside my womb I felt as though I should be chasing someone, keeping up with someone, a little almost walking someone. My arms ached for her. It was so weird to have these feelings about her. I tried to shake them because they were nonsense, but couldn't. At night I felt I should be making a baby bed in out tent. What? I mentally said. Why? There were a few times when that second nature thing kicked in and I almost started doing things like this. Then, when I realized there was no need I felt that familiar stab of pain. She's not here.

Maybe it has to due with infertility on top of Olivia dying added to the emotions of adopting. I really don't know. I know we haven't been "trying" for very long, but the more time that passes the fewer our chances are. I haven't been through a lot of things other women have as far as infertility treatments are, but I'm already tired of it. I'm tired of tests after tests and blood and procedures and doctors and waiting and waiting. Seems like the more tests they do the more things they find wrong. How's that helping?

I know other women have the same emotions as me, and life is tough for everyone, but these are mine. This pain belongs to me, and therefore can only be real to me. I'm tired of apologies and pitiful looks, although I do appreciate the concern. I just want to be like everyone else and have babies. I've always wanted this and have never wanted anything more. Always thought it'd be so easy. Such is life. The one thing you want is the one thing you can't have.

I know I have many other blessings, and have so much to be grateful for, but I'd give almost every bit of that up for a child. Just one. I just want one baby. Why is that so hard? Course if I had one I'd want another, I'm sure. But for now, oh to have a baby in my arms to call my own - our own.

My heart aches, my soul yearns, my being craves. It's hard to be a mommy without any babies.

Dear Daddy

Don't cry for me, Daddy,
I am right here.
Although you can't see me,
I see your tears.
I visit you often.
I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillow's where I lay.
I hold your hand and stoke your hair,
And whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today, Daddy,
Remember I am here.
You will always be my daddy
Even though I'm not here with you.
I'm Daddy's little girl.
We will never be apart-
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I love you, Daddy!
Your baby girl.

-Author Unknown

A Childless Father

A childless father sits silent
His still baby in his mind
His grief looked down upon
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father fell to his knees
He screams to God in anger
He was shaken to his core
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

A childless father is strong and tall
Let him be helpless by his wife
Let him grieve so that his heart heals
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father needs support
He is angry and sad because of his pain
He lost his child and the dreams of that life
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

-Tara Luning

Tiny Feet

One Small Child

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one small child makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!"
-Charles Dickens

Mother's and Father's Day

Something to Think About as Mother's Day and Father's Day Approaches

Parental love involves a never-ending commitment and plenty of opportunities to care for and assume responsibility for your child. Parental grief challenges you to find a way to live with the frustration of being robbed of the opportunity to directly care and be responsible for your child.

Parental love involves having plenty of opportunities for emotional and physical contact with your child. Parental grief challenges you to find a way to continue loving your child without continued contact.

Parental love involves having dreams and expectations for the future of your child. Parental grief challenges you to find solace and meaning in a life briefly lived.

Parental love involves knowing where your child is. Parental grief challenges you to find a safe place for your child.

Parental love involves attending to your child's needs when he is in your presence. Parental grief challenges you to learn not to look after your own needs when you sense your child's presence or struggle with her absence.

Parental love involves an expanded capacity for love and life. parental grief challenges you to find the use for the expanded capacity, to not let it go to waste or whither away.

Because parental love is never ending, so too is parental grief. You don't really get over the death of your child, you just learn to live with it.

And so, on this special day when you celebrate your role as a mother or father, be kind to yourself. Give yourself a hug. Give yourself some time alone. Give yourself permission to remember, to cry, to miss your child, to tell others how you feel. But, most important of all, remember to celebrate the special gift of parental love, the lasting gift that your child has given you, a gift that not even death can take away.

-Karen Martin

Dear Mr. Hallmark