Visitor From Heaven

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while.
The gift of life to be returned
We think of you and smile.

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place.

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name.
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came.

We're so glad you came
A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day.
We thank Him for the time he gave
And now it's time to say.

We trust you to the Father's love
And to His tender care.
Held in the Everlasting Arms
And we're so glad you're there.
We're so glad your there.

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name.
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came.
We're so glad you came.

-Unknown

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Normal

Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas', Thanksgivings, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th, and Easter. Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party, yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything. Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't Is go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house because the silence is deafening. Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age, and then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it, then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart. Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my normal. Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it. Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. Normal is making sure that others remember her. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss. Unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you, compares. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry every day. Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as a "fetal demise" or a "product of conception" when you know they once were someone's loved one. normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. normals is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face. Normals is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because...". I love God. I know my baby is up in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother. Normals is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them. Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there is even a God. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all, normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". This "normal" is torture.
-Unknown

Poem Without A Name

This was sent to me by a friend who has babies in heaven:

"The following poem was sent to us by a mother who received it from a friend. The friend had no idea who wrote it. Surely though, whoever did must have been someone like us, to capture not just the pathos of stillbirth, but the emptiness that greets mothers when they step back into the world.

"What is it in our culture that causes so many to fear death so much that they will go out of their way to not even discuss it? Is this aversion like the blinders horses wear, so they are not startled by peripheral events? If so, we’re going to miss a lot of life along the roads we travel for not accepting that all roads have endings.

"We have experienced the best and the worst life has to offer. And yet is there any one of us who – were we given a chance knowing the outcome – would not have gone through the fire? We are not to be pitied for our loss. It is they, who have 'died', but not yet stopped breathing or fallen over, that deserve the pity."


Poem Without A Name

To those who look away when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject when we speak our baby's name,
change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had her at all,
how could we miss her so much,
in our hearts we have seen her live a thousand times.
We have seen her first steps, her first day of school, her wedding, and her children.
We have had her forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.
I thank God for that everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have one in the grave,
and that is one too many.

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life,
the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,
she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us; we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to US,
and you just might see THEM.

-Author Unknown

Mothers

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

In Memory of Ella

December 13, 2008



A Child of Mine

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine", He said .
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be for 6 or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you till I call for her
Take care of her for me?

"I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

"I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs, the crowd, life's lanes
I've selected you.

"So will you give her all your love
Nor count the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
To take her home again?"

I thought I heard them say,
"Yea, Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy this child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness
And love her while we may
And for the happiness she brings
Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll bear the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand".

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine" He said.
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead".

-Author Unknown

Ella, your family will forever love and remember you, and look forward to the day you will meet again.

Where Are You Christmas?

This song touches my heart every Christmas. I have always loved Christmas, but just couldn't get into the spirit of it the year we lost Olivia. Then I heard this song. It didn't magically make me feel better and make my Christmas perfect, but it did remind me that it's okay to be sad and grieve. There will be many more Christmas' to come, and though she is not there in person Olivia will always be there is spirit. Since then she has become my Christmas spirit. The last verse of the song may not apply now, but I could cling to the hope it inspires that one day it will apply - that one day I will be healed in a way that I am able to be happy knowing she is safe and sound and having a wonderful Christmas right along with us. What a gift a child is, and who better to know this than someone who has lost theirs. Who better knows of the pain our Heavenly Father experienced when He gave His Only Begotten. In time Christmas will take on this new meaning for those who have lost children, and they will see Christmas in a way they never thought they could. When you are ready, and if you let it, you will one day see the gift that Christmas really represents, be filled with the hope of it, and be able to hold your child in your heart with joy.

In Memory of Aidan

November 8, 2008



Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so I could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Aidan, you will be forever loved and forever missed.

Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so i could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Lately

Lately I've been missing Olivia more than usual. I don't have many memories of her, so the few I do keep running through my mind. Unfortunately most of them are mixed with sadness because she was born still. It was like I was watching a movie, but was in it. Going from one day expecting a bouncing baby girl in three months, to the next day being induced and in labor giving birth to my dead daughter. I remember the labor pains, and the helpless look on Hubby's face. I remember the tears and look of pity from the nurses. This is not what I wanted. I wanted my healthy baby girl and happiness around me and congratulations. I don't know that I'll ever have that. Every gal dreams of being in the hospital bed holding her baby with flowers and pink or blue balloons around and having family visit. Slowly those dreams are dying for me. I am, however, eternally grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant, feel my baby move within me, and to have given birth. I know lots of women aren't even blessed with that, and thank the Lord every day for it. As bad as it hurt, I can honestly say I loved it because it was all I ever wanted.

This song reminds me of the day Livy was born:

Olivia's absence has been much more apparent lately. I don't know what it is. I've gotten used to everyone having babies around me, so it's not that. I don't know why, but her absence was very obvious to me on our recent camping trip. I felt someone was missing from our family. Even though I never had to care for her outside my womb I felt as though I should be chasing someone, keeping up with someone, a little almost walking someone. My arms ached for her. It was so weird to have these feelings about her. I tried to shake them because they were nonsense, but couldn't. At night I felt I should be making a baby bed in out tent. What? I mentally said. Why? There were a few times when that second nature thing kicked in and I almost started doing things like this. Then, when I realized there was no need I felt that familiar stab of pain. She's not here.

Maybe it has to due with infertility on top of Olivia dying added to the emotions of adopting. I really don't know. I know we haven't been "trying" for very long, but the more time that passes the fewer our chances are. I haven't been through a lot of things other women have as far as infertility treatments are, but I'm already tired of it. I'm tired of tests after tests and blood and procedures and doctors and waiting and waiting. Seems like the more tests they do the more things they find wrong. How's that helping?

I know other women have the same emotions as me, and life is tough for everyone, but these are mine. This pain belongs to me, and therefore can only be real to me. I'm tired of apologies and pitiful looks, although I do appreciate the concern. I just want to be like everyone else and have babies. I've always wanted this and have never wanted anything more. Always thought it'd be so easy. Such is life. The one thing you want is the one thing you can't have.

I know I have many other blessings, and have so much to be grateful for, but I'd give almost every bit of that up for a child. Just one. I just want one baby. Why is that so hard? Course if I had one I'd want another, I'm sure. But for now, oh to have a baby in my arms to call my own - our own.

My heart aches, my soul yearns, my being craves. It's hard to be a mommy without any babies.

A Childless Father

A childless father sits silent
His still baby in his mind
His grief looked down upon
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father fell to his knees
He screams to God in anger
He was shaken to his core
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

A childless father is strong and tall
Let him be helpless by his wife
Let him grieve so that his heart heals
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father needs support
He is angry and sad because of his pain
He lost his child and the dreams of that life
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

-Tara Luning

I Am a Mother

I am a mother
But like most others
I am a special mother
I held my daughter
Even though only in my womb

I am a mother
Even though my daughter is no longer
At least...not on earth
He lives in heaven
With our sweet Father
Which is far better

I am a mother
Like most others
To an angel...to whom I gave birth

I am a mother
Like most others
Who doesn’t get to throw parties
For those special occasions…like birthdays
Instead, we hold a silent party...in our hearts and heads

I am a mother...unlike some
Who hold their babies in their arms
I am a mother...who holds her daughter
So close to her heart

I am a mother...some beg to differ
I am a mother...though some may not agree
I am a mother
Who’s child is no longer with her
But...I am a mother

I am a mother...who can only dream
Of the day she holds her baby
For the first time in her arms
But never lets her leave her heart

I am a mother
Far from my daughter
But I am a mother…who will never forget
The day she lost her first baby

I am a mother...who dreams
Of a rocking chair in heaven
Where I will someday...hold her close
When she cries or when I kiss her goodnight

I am a mother who…
Instead of holding my daughter’s hand
For the first day of school
Holds onto memories
That will never come true

I am a mother...who visits a cemetery instead of a school
I am a mother...who will never see
What her child will grow to be

I am a mother who cries herself to sleep...sometimes
I am a mother who sometimes rocks herself

I am a mother who gets to wonder what would be
I am a mother who wonders...What would she be?

Most of all...I Am A Mother

-Patricia Hollie

If Tears Could Build a Stairway

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane,
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
no time to say "Goodbye",
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you-
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times,
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today-
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.

-Unknown

Spring

I don't know what it is, but spring brings sorrow to my heart this year. Is it that new life is springing up all around me? Is it that winter is gone and the world no longer matches my feelings? Is it that I am missing buying an Easter dress for my daughter, like we were looking forward to doing when we found out she was a girl?

Thankfully spring also brings a reminder of the atonement, the plan of salvation, and the gift of eternal families. Reminding myself of these things helps me get through the hard times. Though I don't show it as I should, I am thankful for the undying love of our Father in heaven.

Unless You've Lost A Child...

Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed? Don't ask us if we fell better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Don't tell us at least we had our child for the time we did. What time would you choose for your child to die? Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just an unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at and why and may lash out at those closest to us. Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf. Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you're sorry. We're sorry too, and your saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Even if you're more sorry that we hurt than you are at our child's passing. It wasn't your child and you weren't as close to them as we were so we'll understand. Just say you're sorry. Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day. Do say you remember our child, if you do. Even if you just remember us being pregnant or how happy we were when we were pregnant. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child. Our child may have or may not have lived, but still lives in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date, due date, and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do. Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. Do be thankful for children.

-taken from the "Utah Share" Newsletter January/February 2008

I'll Be There

In Memory of Olivia

Today, or some day around today, you should have been a pink little wrinkly squirmer in our arms. Instead you are one of God's angels, and I know you're in His choir. I remember how you'd move when you heard me sing, or when Daddy'd turn the music up really loud. What a joy you were to us. Our little girl we had waited so long for. We wanted you before we even found each other. I know you helped us find each other. Our tiny daughter. How beautiful you were lying there in our hands. Still and silent. It was like finally being able to see and hold the wind. Our baby girl. How beautifully sad the day was that you were born. Had things been the way we planned, today, or some day around today, would be your birthday. Your nursery would be filled with your cries. Oh, to hear you cry! Your crib would be warm with your heat. My breasts would not have had milk in vain. My arms would not ache. Our loved-ones would be glad to see pictures of you. But, it was not meant to be. Your body was never meant to walk this earth, but you have tread all over our hearts. Today Daddy and I wear pins over our hearts. Pins of a heart, with tiny feet within, to show that you were here. To show that though I no longer carry you in my belly, I will always carry you in my heart. You are real, and though others may, I will never forget you. My baby. My darling. My daughter.

Lead, Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene - one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Hubby's Dad used this hymn in his talk at Livy's graveside service.

Mother Theresa Quote

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much".

A Child of Mine

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine", He said .
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be for 6 or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you till I call for her
Take care of her for me?

"I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

"I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs, the crowd, life's lanes
I've selected you.

"So will you give her all your love
Nor count the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
To take her home again?"

I thought I heard them say,
"Yea, Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy this child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness
And love her while we may
And for the happiness she brings
Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll bear the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand".

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine" He said.
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead".

Author Unknown