A Day, A Month

A day of grief lasts longer than a month of joy.

-Chinese Proverb

Another

Another year past the year she was born. Another year that she wasn't here. But, it's another year closer to seeing her.

A Moment Is

"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

-Martin Luther King

A "Still" Father

My child is gone
I hardly remember
Her coming
A moment in time
That was both
The longest
And shortest
Of my life.
Anticipation
Devastation
And now
Reclamation
Putting the pieces
Of my soul
In semblance
Of order.
Time to go on
Time to get on
With life
With love
With a hole
In my heart
But with joy
For that moment.
I am her father
A blessed gift
Through whom I have learned
I can love
Deeply
That which I cannot hold
Except in my heart
Knowing I am forever her father.

by Richard Olsen, founder and Executive Director of The National Stillbirth Society

Years of Joy

"Whole years of joy glide unperceived away, while sorrow counts the minutes as they pass." -William Havard



Don't let this happen to you. Yes, grieve, but let the grief lessen and lessen as time goes by. It will not happen without your permission. Then you can feel the joy and happiness of life again. And remember, happiness does not equal forgetfulness.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Olivia

Two years can go by so quickly, yet so slowly. We miss you every single day. We pray you know how much we love you. We can hardly wait until we meet again. Happy heavenly birthday, baby. We know you'll have a wonderful day in heaven.

The Time

"You don't heal from the loss because time passes, you heal because of what you do with the time." -Carol Crandall

I totally believe this. I went back to work too soon after we lost our Livy. I threw myself back into a normal routine, gave the same old answers as to what happened when I was asked, and didn't really focus on healing. Months later I was no better. I was almost as raw as the week she was born. I crashed. Hubby and I had a sit-down and discussed it. We decided I needed to quit my job and focus on healing for Olivia, for me, for us, and for our future family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone who's experienced a loss should quit their job. It just seemed like a good time with the business I worked for being sold to new owners and me crashing all around the same time. Since then I have been able to look at her baby book, scrapbook, and memory box whenever I feel that I need to. I can visit her grave whenever I feel that I need to. I can talk to her without others hearing. I have more time for PAIL meetings if I feel I need outside support. I've finally faced and dealt with the grief and pain, and have come out much the better for it. I headed up a memorial fundraiser for NSS on her first heavenly birthday. I browse the internet looking for other mothers I can help. I've learned how to make this blog more accessible and have tried to chock it full of helpful information for any mother who has experienced a loss who might come across it. (Still need to work a little more on that, I think.) I have prayed... and prayed... and prayed. Then one day I realized that I found peace with what happened to our daughter. I still have sad days, of course, and I still get misty-eyed or cry out of missing her, but for the most part, when I think of her, I feel blessed for being given such a perfect little daughter who was too good for this world. Sometimes I think she was just needed elsewhere and was sent to us for that brief time because she belongs to us, but had very important things to do. I know she is eternally a member of our family, and I can't wait to give her the biggest hug and kiss. I am proud of my daughter, and not ashamed to mention her in day-to-day conversation. She's the best daughter a couple could ever ask for, and we are thankful for her.

New Year Wishes for Bereaved Parents

To the newly bereaved: We wish you patience - patience with yourselves in the painful weeks, months, even years ahead.

To the bereaved sibling: We wish you and your parents a new understanding of each others needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those who are single parents: We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to cope, often alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of your child: We wish you a special willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have experienced the death of more than one child: We wish you the endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or all of your children: We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such inspiration to the rest of us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt: We wish you the reassurances that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed: We wish you the first steps out of the "Valley of the Shadow".

To all fathers and those of you unable to cry: We wish you healing tears and the ability to express your grief.

To those of you who are exhausted from grieving: We wish you the strength to face just one more hour, just one more day.

To all others with special needs we have not mentioned: We wish you the understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.

-from a speech by former TCF President, Joe Rousseau

Time

"Time didn't heal, it numbed. Like a good anesthetic, it made the pain more bearable but it never went away." -C. Kelly

All We Have To Do

My favorite movies are "The Lord of The Ring" movies. In the first movie Frodo, the hero, gets stuck with the very unfortunate and grueling task of destroying a very evil ring. With tears streaming down his face Frodo says, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened." Frodo's close friend and mentor, Gandalf, replies, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Every time I hear these quotes tears stream down my face. I think, "I wish this pain had never come to me. I wish little Liv would have never died." Gandalf's reply always hits me. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." For a long while time stood still for me. Yet at the same time it was passing too quickly. These conflicting feelings created a pause in my life where I just stopped. I stumbled around without a reason or cause forgetting things that were once important to me. I am just now starting to "play" again. Slowly I am learning to move on while at the same time carry this, carry her with me. Though Gandalf's words always struck me I am just now beginning to follow them. Sometimes I thought I was following them. I'd have little spurts. It no longer feels like spurts. I am deciding.

Without

They say there is a reason.
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor season
Will change the way I feel.
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles.
No one knows how many times
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something
So there won't be any doubt.
You're so wonderful to think of,
but so hard to be without.

-Unknown

One Small Child

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one small child makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!"
-Charles Dickens

You Are a Mother

A mother's love persists
Despite the time or distance
Weathering storms of adversity and absence
A mother's love persists
Despite tears and heartaches
In spite of all enemies
And until her own last dying breath
A mother's love persists
Beyond the grave
Stronger than death
Enduring and everlasting
A mother's love persists
You are a mother, even in the physical absence of your child
You are a mother.
Because a mother's love persists.

-Unknown

Unless You've Lost A Child...

Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed? Don't ask us if we fell better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Don't tell us at least we had our child for the time we did. What time would you choose for your child to die? Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just an unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at and why and may lash out at those closest to us. Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf. Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you're sorry. We're sorry too, and your saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Even if you're more sorry that we hurt than you are at our child's passing. It wasn't your child and you weren't as close to them as we were so we'll understand. Just say you're sorry. Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day. Do say you remember our child, if you do. Even if you just remember us being pregnant or how happy we were when we were pregnant. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child. Our child may have or may not have lived, but still lives in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date, due date, and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do. Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. Do be thankful for children.

-taken from the "Utah Share" Newsletter January/February 2008

New Year's SHARE Meeting

A week ago we went to a SHARE meeting where we discussed moving into a new year without our babies. Hubby and I related to a woman who said that it's weird that we are no longer in the year her baby was born in. We were given a list of new year's resolutions.

I resolve...

-that I will grieve as much, and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.
-that I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.
-that I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears, just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now".
-that I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.
-that I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.
-that I will not blame myself for my child's death.
-that I will not be ashamed or afraid to seek professional help if necessary.
-that I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or to even discuss it with them.
-that I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body the strength it will need to cope with my grief.
-to know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.
-to know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.
-to let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.
-to remind myself that when I find myself into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process, and these moods too will pass.
-to try to be happy about something each day, knowing that at first I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts.
-that I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.
-that I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

by: Nancy Mower

This list really hit home to us. We both realized mistakes we've made in the past months that may have made the healing process worse for us. We both learned that in this unfortunate circumstance we're in that it is necessary to put ourselves before other people in order for us to heal properly. It was a hard realization to come to as it sounds so selfish. We were told that our family and friends love us and will understand, and even if they don't understand they will accept it, not knowing what it's like to be in our position. It was hard for me and Hubby to hear 'cause quite frankly it sounded a little rude. But, seeing how we are still having a hard time with Olivia being gone, we've resolved to try to remember these resolutions.

Also, we listened to a lady say how being LDS put an extra strain on her. She said that people, trying to help, would tell her that her baby is better off in heaven anyway. Also, being LDS you are surrounded by large families and it can cause pressure to have children when your child has died or you have infertility issues (which we do). She said that though a lot of the pressure wasn't caused by people at church, being at church reminded her of how different her family was and how badly she wished it was different. It caused her to have anxiety attacks in church. When she said that, Hubby and I looked at each other because I have had a few in church before we got pregnant (and were wondering if we ever would), and since Olivia was born. It made sense, and we felt better about it. We wondered why it was always during church. It actually made us smile to finally know the reason why.

So, the meetings have been good for us. We started them when I quit work to focus on my grieving process. We haven't been to very many - they're only every other week. It was actually Hubby's first, but this was the best one so far.

A New Year

A time for looking ahead
and not behind.
A time for faith
and not despair.
A time for long great gulps of
hopeful expectation.
Drink deeply friend so that
fortified with the promises it brings,
This New Year will keep you near
fresh springs of healing love,
Where you may come to weave
old and loving memories
with new understandings and acceptance...
And find peace.

-Shirley Ottman

Forever Angel

Seasons

It's that special time of year for many
Gifts and songs and wonder plenty
Colors bright and life anew
Holiday cheer and friendship true
Yet for some, the pain of sorrow and
Not knowing what will come tomorrow
In the wake of mourning a child's death
Moment by moment they walk the path
Trying to survive grief's grip of wrath
Be gentle with them this time of year
Whom death has crossed, their cries please hear
Hearts are broken 'neath sorrow and tears
Today, tomorrow, and all of their years
Offer them gifts of kindness and amity
As they face each day of boundless calamity
Light a candle, say a prayer for those who mourn
Who cannot rejoice, their lives now torn
Remember their child and honor their pain
Share the burden and help them sustain
This holiday season, the best gifts you can share
Are your heart and your love,
Your solace and care.

-Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

Remembrance

You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray she'll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what she'd want - smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.

-Author Unknown

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems to short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks
I came to know you
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks.
It wasn't enough to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and so few are mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why do I?
You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

-Susan Erling