Sometimes

"Baby mine don't you cry.
Baby mine dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
Never to part, baby of mine."

Sometimes I still grab a blankie, rock in the rocking chair, and cry from missing you. I know you'd be a big girl now, but I bet I'd still rock you every now and then. Sometimes I feel you there with me; not in my arms, but over my shoulder. Thank you.

Slipped Away

"I miss you.
Miss you so bad.
I don't forget you.
Oh it's so sad.

I hope you can hear me.
I remember it clearly.

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same.

[I'm glad I got] to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand.
I wish that I could see you again.
I know that I can't.

I hope you can hear me
'Cause I remember it clearly.

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same.

I've had my wake up.
Won't you wake up?
I keep asking why.

And I can't take it.
It wasn't fake.
It happened.
You passed by.

Now you're gone, now you're gone,
There you go, there you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back.

Now you're gone, now you're gone,
There you go, there you go
Somewhere you're not coming back.

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same.

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found it won't be the same.

I miss you."

This
is THE song
I relate to the most
of all the songs on Olivia's playlist.

Sometimes when I think of her,
or the day she was born,
this song plays
in the back of my mind.

Right now
is one
of those sometimes.

Tonight

As I sit here tonight, listening to this beautiful music, watching little Liv's slideshow, crying my heart out, I am filled with utter and seemingly endless grief. But I know that's okay. Evey now and then it needs to be so. I will be okay. She will be mine forever. I will see her again one day. But for now someday isn't soon enough. I want it to be today. Tonight. In my arms being rocked. Little three year old curly headed princess. I love you.

Too Good For This World

Remember in the Walk To Remember post I said I'd let you know where you can download the song Kevin Burdick sang for free? Here's the link: http://www.dempseyburdick.com/free_mp3.html. A donation would be very much appreciated as it goes toward providing headstones for babies whose families cannot afford to do so.

Stephen's Song

Click here to hear Stephen's Song.

Where Are You Christmas?

This song touches my heart every Christmas. I have always loved Christmas, but just couldn't get into the spirit of it the year we lost Olivia. Then I heard this song. It didn't magically make me feel better and make my Christmas perfect, but it did remind me that it's okay to be sad and grieve. There will be many more Christmas' to come, and though she is not there in person Olivia will always be there is spirit. Since then she has become my Christmas spirit. The last verse of the song may not apply now, but I could cling to the hope it inspires that one day it will apply - that one day I will be healed in a way that I am able to be happy knowing she is safe and sound and having a wonderful Christmas right along with us. What a gift a child is, and who better to know this than someone who has lost theirs. Who better knows of the pain our Heavenly Father experienced when He gave His Only Begotten. In time Christmas will take on this new meaning for those who have lost children, and they will see Christmas in a way they never thought they could. When you are ready, and if you let it, you will one day see the gift that Christmas really represents, be filled with the hope of it, and be able to hold your child in your heart with joy.

For Others Too

Some of our family and friends may wonder why I keep this blog going. It is, of course, in memory of our beautiful daughter, and is also for us to have a place to go to and remember our her, but it is for others too. I have received many emails from people all over the nation thanking me for this blog. I selected the option to have it come up in Google searches and have worked on posting helpful support links for those who might come across it. Pregnancy and infant loss is such a tough trial to have to go through. When it happens to you you go through it for the rest of your life. There are good days, sometimes even good weeks or months, but the sadness and grief of it always come back for a visit every now and then. Most people do not know where to turn. I am grateful for the support we have been given, know how much it helps, and want to make it available for others. If you know of anyone, anyone who could benefit from this blog, even in the slightest, please share it with them. There are helpful links, songs, poems, etc. for parents who have suffered a miscarriage(s), stillbirth(s), or a neonatal loss(s). If you know of any links or information I can post here that I do not already have posted please let me know. No matter how they were lost our babies are all angel friends who want to see us happy. If I have helped to give one person a tiny bit of that happiness then I can know I have made my daughter proud.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Lately

Lately I've been missing Olivia more than usual. I don't have many memories of her, so the few I do keep running through my mind. Unfortunately most of them are mixed with sadness because she was born still. It was like I was watching a movie, but was in it. Going from one day expecting a bouncing baby girl in three months, to the next day being induced and in labor giving birth to my dead daughter. I remember the labor pains, and the helpless look on Hubby's face. I remember the tears and look of pity from the nurses. This is not what I wanted. I wanted my healthy baby girl and happiness around me and congratulations. I don't know that I'll ever have that. Every gal dreams of being in the hospital bed holding her baby with flowers and pink or blue balloons around and having family visit. Slowly those dreams are dying for me. I am, however, eternally grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant, feel my baby move within me, and to have given birth. I know lots of women aren't even blessed with that, and thank the Lord every day for it. As bad as it hurt, I can honestly say I loved it because it was all I ever wanted.

This song reminds me of the day Livy was born:

Olivia's absence has been much more apparent lately. I don't know what it is. I've gotten used to everyone having babies around me, so it's not that. I don't know why, but her absence was very obvious to me on our recent camping trip. I felt someone was missing from our family. Even though I never had to care for her outside my womb I felt as though I should be chasing someone, keeping up with someone, a little almost walking someone. My arms ached for her. It was so weird to have these feelings about her. I tried to shake them because they were nonsense, but couldn't. At night I felt I should be making a baby bed in out tent. What? I mentally said. Why? There were a few times when that second nature thing kicked in and I almost started doing things like this. Then, when I realized there was no need I felt that familiar stab of pain. She's not here.

Maybe it has to due with infertility on top of Olivia dying added to the emotions of adopting. I really don't know. I know we haven't been "trying" for very long, but the more time that passes the fewer our chances are. I haven't been through a lot of things other women have as far as infertility treatments are, but I'm already tired of it. I'm tired of tests after tests and blood and procedures and doctors and waiting and waiting. Seems like the more tests they do the more things they find wrong. How's that helping?

I know other women have the same emotions as me, and life is tough for everyone, but these are mine. This pain belongs to me, and therefore can only be real to me. I'm tired of apologies and pitiful looks, although I do appreciate the concern. I just want to be like everyone else and have babies. I've always wanted this and have never wanted anything more. Always thought it'd be so easy. Such is life. The one thing you want is the one thing you can't have.

I know I have many other blessings, and have so much to be grateful for, but I'd give almost every bit of that up for a child. Just one. I just want one baby. Why is that so hard? Course if I had one I'd want another, I'm sure. But for now, oh to have a baby in my arms to call my own - our own.

My heart aches, my soul yearns, my being craves. It's hard to be a mommy without any babies.

My Fondest Dream

"I believe in Christ; he stands supreme! From him I'll gain my fondest dream; And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"

-From the LDS hymnal, hymn # 134, I Believe in Christ, text by Bruce R. McConkie

Lead, Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene - one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Hubby's Dad used this hymn in his talk at Livy's graveside service.

Angel Child

Dear angel child, we've lost you for a while.
Oh, how I long to hold you near my heart.
It hurts me to have to let you go.
How can it be that we should part?

I could not bear it if I did not know
That one day it will be just as before.
I'll cradle you again within my arms,
And feel the joy of holding you once more.

Yet than will be more beautiful than now-
In that sweet world all free from sin and sorrow.
Where only love and goodness you will know-
When you are mine in that bright tomorrow.

Oh angel child, Celestial child of mine,
I thank the Lord for sending you to me.
I pray that I may live to be found worthy
To be with you throughout eternity,
To be with you through out eternity.


This song was written by Dawn Hughes Ballentyne for the parents of Ashley May Draw, and angel child.

Thanks to Kim for sharing this with us.

A Welsh Lullaby

, angHush, my dear one, sleep serenely;
Now my lovely, slumber deep.
Mother rocks you, humming lowly;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

Angels hover ever nearer,
Looking on your smiling face.
I will hold you, close enfold you;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

Lovely darling, I will guard you,
Keep you from all woe and harm.
Softly, gently, I will rock you,
Resting sweetly on my arm.

May you slumber e'er so softly;
Dream of visions wondrous fair.
I will hold you, close enfold you;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

May you slumber e'er so softly;
Dream of visions wondrous fair.
I will hold you, close enfold you;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

Baby, go to sleep.



Olivia's daddy sang this at her graveside service.