Remembering Our Babies

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope's Monthly Writing Challenge for October is "Remembering Our Babies". Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month FOL,FOH wants to know how we as parents remember our baby(ies) during this extra special month.

I can't say that I think of my daughter more this month than any other months. She's kind of constantly in my thoughts and with me. I do spread awareness more often during the month of October though. I post pregnancy loss info and statistics on my status on Facebook. I wear pink and blue in my hair so people will ask questions. I light a special candle in my home. I feel more empowered to talk about pregnancy and infant loss during the month of October because it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I post the picture in the previous post on Facebook often. Basically I try to do little things to spread awareness. I've found that with PAIL awareness it's the little things that do the most good.

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Relationships

FOL FOH did not have a monthly writing challenge for July. August and September are together in one topic - relationships.

After the loss of our daughter my relationship with my husband became stronger. Sure there were those tense times when he couldn't understand how I expressed my emotions, but that's just gonna happen between the sexes. He was my rock. He held me and comforted me though he was hurting himself. We became closer because our true selves were exposed. Tragedy tends to do that.

After the loss of my daughter I drew away from my momma. She didn't understand, and tried to say the right things, but ended up saying all the wrong things. People who have never been through the loss of a pregnancy and/or child cannot understand and so do not know which things are right to say and which are wrong. True, some things are obvious, but things like "she's in a better place" or "you can have another" are meant to help and the person saying them cannot understand how it actually does more damage than helps. I withdrew from her after hearing several of these comments. It took months to get back to where we were.

After the loss of my daughter my relationship with my sister I am close to changed too. I withdrew from her because she had two beautiful and healthy children and mine was dead. She had no problems getting pregnant and we did. She could get pregnant again at any time she wanted, but chose not to at the time. I never did and never will have the luxury of that choice. It took months before we were close again too.

After the loss of my daughter my relationship with family and friends changed too. No one knew what to do or say so most, but not all, did and said nothing. I am still not sure if that is better than trying and saying the wrong thing. Thoughts?

There was one friend, who I've mentioned before, who listened and looked at pictures and asked questions, and took the lead from me and talked about Olivia as if she were our real true daughter who we lost, because she took the time to understand that Olivia was and is our real true daughter who we lost. Thank you P. I will NEVER forget.

Unfortunately, when a woman loses a pregnancy and/or child not only does she have to deal with the grief of it she also has to deal with educating people about what to do and say and what not to do and say. And we must do it. We must. If we don't. how will they know? We cannot forever hold them accountable for something they did not realize was wrong.

Here is a link to a basic yet helpful printable page you can give to help people learn: Support for Family & Friends. At the bottom of the page is a link for a beautifully done printable pamphlet you can also give to help people learn.

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Summer Memories

You may remember, I joined Faces of Hope's monthly writing challenge (FOHMWC). I missed June. Let me catch up.



I didn't get to make any summer memories with our Livy. The only connection summer and Olivia has is her due date. Her due date was August 20, 2007. On that day, months after she was born still, we held a balloon release at her grave. We invited family and friends. Trissy, Sam, their boys, Stefanie, Stacy, Paula, her little son, and Amanda came. We placed six beautiful pink roses in her vase for the six beautiful months we had with her. We released six pink balloons. Paula and Amanda each brought a balloon too.

Momma and Aunt Mickey did a balloon release in my hometown. Aunt Janis and family did one too with yellow balloons. I felt so grateful.

Every due date we visit her grave. We usually leave a "thinking of you" balloon and release another to find it's way to her.

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Mother's Day

It is upon me. Mother's Day. Mother's Day is a day I'd rather skip and a day that I look forward to all in one. Mother's Day. Just the thought of it makes me cry. Crying is my first reaction to thinking about Mother's Day. I have two beautiful healthy children. I thought somehow that would make Mother's Day a 100% positive day for me. No matter how many living breathing children I have I will always have one in the grave, and that is one too many. Focusing too much on the negative? My child is not a negative thing. My child dying is a negative thing. You have two arms. Lets cut one off and bury it in the ground and see which one you have trouble not focusing on. Thinking about. Yearning for. For me it is unfortunate that Mother's Day always falls on a Sunday. Sunday's mean church. I love church. But Mother's Day at church makes Mother's Day even harder, or at least it always has in the past. Every year the little children go up to the front and sing sweet songs in their precious little voices about mother's. Every year my Olivia is missing. Four. She would be four this year. Maybe when my living children are old enough to sing it will not be so hard. It will be wonderful to look up there and see a child of mine. But Olivia will still be missing. And this is only one reason it's so tough. Think I'm focusing on the negative again? Let's cut off one of your legs. You can go on without it. You can get a new leg. Maybe even one that's better than your old one. It just takes time. You'll get used to it. After a while you won't even remember you ever had it. You can still walk. You should be grateful for just being alive and having such a wonderful life. Right. And a child is so so so much more precious that a limb. A child. My child. My child is not here and knowing where she is does not make me miss her any less. She should be. She should be here with me. My babies should have an older sister. My son should not be the oldest of my children. I should be a mother of three. And I am, but only to myself. I wish she had had the chance to experience this world and be a part of an earthly family. I wish she could have seen a butterfly, a fish, a rainbow, a playground. I wish she could be here to get sunburns and eat ice cream and make snow angels. Mother's Day I am grateful, extremely, emotionally, strongly grateful for my two living children. Mother's Day I am in despair for the loss of my firstborn living here on this earth with her family.



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Writing Challenge

I have accepted Faces of Hope's Monthly Writing Challenge. This month's topic is, of course, Mother's Day. My post is coming soon...

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