19 June 2008


Lately I've been missing Olivia more than usual. I don't have many memories of her, so the few I do keep running through my mind. Unfortunately most of them are mixed with sadness because she was born still. It was like I was watching a movie, but was in it. Going from one day expecting a bouncing baby girl in three months, to the next day being induced and in labor giving birth to my dead daughter. I remember the labor pains, and the helpless look on Hubby's face. I remember the tears and look of pity from the nurses. This is not what I wanted. I wanted my healthy baby girl and happiness around me and congratulations. I don't know that I'll ever have that. Every gal dreams of being in the hospital bed holding her baby with flowers and pink or blue balloons around and having family visit. Slowly those dreams are dying for me. I am, however, eternally grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant, feel my baby move within me, and to have given birth. I know lots of women aren't even blessed with that, and thank the Lord every day for it. As bad as it hurt, I can honestly say I loved it because it was all I ever wanted.

This song reminds me of the day Livy was born:

Olivia's absence has been much more apparent lately. I don't know what it is. I've gotten used to everyone having babies around me, so it's not that. I don't know why, but her absence was very obvious to me on our recent camping trip. I felt someone was missing from our family. Even though I never had to care for her outside my womb I felt as though I should be chasing someone, keeping up with someone, a little almost walking someone. My arms ached for her. It was so weird to have these feelings about her. I tried to shake them because they were nonsense, but couldn't. At night I felt I should be making a baby bed in out tent. What? I mentally said. Why? There were a few times when that second nature thing kicked in and I almost started doing things like this. Then, when I realized there was no need I felt that familiar stab of pain. She's not here.

Maybe it has to due with infertility on top of Olivia dying added to the emotions of adopting. I really don't know. I know we haven't been "trying" for very long, but the more time that passes the fewer our chances are. I haven't been through a lot of things other women have as far as infertility treatments are, but I'm already tired of it. I'm tired of tests after tests and blood and procedures and doctors and waiting and waiting. Seems like the more tests they do the more things they find wrong. How's that helping?

I know other women have the same emotions as me, and life is tough for everyone, but these are mine. This pain belongs to me, and therefore can only be real to me. I'm tired of apologies and pitiful looks, although I do appreciate the concern. I just want to be like everyone else and have babies. I've always wanted this and have never wanted anything more. Always thought it'd be so easy. Such is life. The one thing you want is the one thing you can't have.

I know I have many other blessings, and have so much to be grateful for, but I'd give almost every bit of that up for a child. Just one. I just want one baby. Why is that so hard? Course if I had one I'd want another, I'm sure. But for now, oh to have a baby in my arms to call my own - our own.

My heart aches, my soul yearns, my being craves. It's hard to be a mommy without any babies.

15 June 2008

Dear Daddy

Don't cry for me, Daddy,
I am right here.
Although you can't see me,
I see your tears.
I visit you often.
I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillow's where I lay.
I hold your hand and stoke your hair,
And whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today, Daddy,
Remember I am here.
You will always be my daddy
Even though I'm not here with you.
I'm Daddy's little girl.
We will never be apart-
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I love you, Daddy!
Your baby girl.

-Author Unknown

A Childless Father

A childless father sits silent
His still baby in his mind
His grief looked down upon
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father fell to his knees
He screams to God in anger
He was shaken to his core
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

A childless father is strong and tall
Let him be helpless by his wife
Let him grieve so that his heart heals
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father needs support
He is angry and sad because of his pain
He lost his child and the dreams of that life
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

-Tara Luning

09 June 2008

Tiny Feet

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