When asked what I wanted to be when I grow up I always replied "a mommy". Okay, so sometimes I replied a teacher, but only because I could have more kids to be a mommy to.
Before meeting my husband I had two serious relationships, including a marriage. Despite my efforts I was not able to become a mother.
When I married my husband I was almost twenty-five. We discussed children and almost immediately wanted to try for a baby. However, I listened to others who said that we need time alone together before starting a family. We had known each other for only a year before marrying after all. So we waited until sometime around our first anniversary.
Nine months later we got a positive pregnancy test on the day we were to go to our first fertility appointment. Click here for the story of that day.
I had a blissfully ignorant first pregnancy. By that I mean that I was like most first-time mothers and only knew what others told me. I enjoyed exaggerating cravings and shopping for maternity clothes way too early. I look back on it as one of the most happily innocent times of my life and smile. It was wonderful.
At the end of my twenty-third week, after just returning from a trip back home where Momma threw me a baby shower, I started having some contractions. I assumed they were Braxton Hicks. When they became painful I called the doctor and her office worked me in that day. Click here for the story of that day.
We buried our daughter's tiny body four days later. My heart was utterly broken in two. I grieved as privately as my heart would let me. This involved swallowing most of my feelings and ignoring them. Then about six months later I had a breakdown. Click here for that story.
We waited three months after Olivia was born, as per doctor instructions, before starting try to for another baby. I also switched doctors because the doctor I had did not seem capable enough to handle a situation like mine. She would not run tests to try to find out why we may have lost our daughter, left uterine scarring when she did the D&C to remove the stubborn placenta after Olivia was born which makes it harder for a future pregnancy to latch on, and seemed incompetent in the post-op report when she did my laparoscopy with endometrial ablation. I love my new doctor. Instead of ignoring the fact that I lost a baby at a viable gestational age he ran tests, found a blood clotting disorder that may have been the reason for Olivia's cord problem, and made plans on how to treat it when we conceived again
It only took about five months to conceive again (after the three month waiting period). Unfortunately we lost that pregnancy very early. My doctor ran different tests and found out my progesterone levels were too low to support a pregnancy in it's early stages. This is called luteal phase defect. I obviously didn't have this problem before we had Olivia. It's called secondary infertility. Fortunately my levels were not so low as to need injections. I started taking progesterone supplement pills the last two weeks of my cycle in case there was a fertilized egg trying to implant.
During this five months, and afterward, we began investigating adoption. I have always known that I would adopt and we figured if we got pregnant we would just hold off on the adoption process. We went through the grueling adoption approval process and we approved the Monday after the Saturday we got our next positive pregnancy test. Our file was put on hold.
It took another five months to achieve this positive pregnancy test. I had started progesterone pills the day after ovulation so this little one was able to hang on. Due to my blood clotting disorder I began self-injected heparin twice a day and continued it my whole pregnancy. I began researching natural birth out of curiosity and then decided I wanted my baby born without drugs in his system. Ten months later our son was born, perfect and healthy. Thanks to the Bradley Method, and a wonderful coach (Hubby) I was able to birth my son free of drugs.
After pumping and massaging and prescriptions and herbs and three lactation consultants I was never able to breastfeed. I went through another grieving process. I grieved for the loss of providing my child with the perfect and essential natural nourishment he needed. Since then I have been diagnosed with a medical condition that means I will never be able to produce more than a quarter of an ounce or so every few hours.
Soon after our son was born I wanted another child. We started trying after the doctor recommended waiting period. We tried for a couple months, decided we were crazy for wanting babies so close together, waited a few months, then started trying again. As our son's first year birthday approached we decided that if we were not pregnant by his birthday we would again apply for adoption. We were not and so began the process again.
We decided to continue to try to get pregnant until a birthmother chose us for her baby. About five months after our son's first birthday we received a call that birthmother had chosen us. Our daughter was born almost two weeks later. We flew to where she was and met her the day after she was born.
Her birthmother requested a closed adoption so we were not able to meet her, but we have great respect for her and the decision she made for her baby. Our son and our second daughter are about seventeen and a half months apart. I know they have a special guardian angel watching over them at all times.
www.reproductiveimmunology.com
We do not yet feel our family is complete.
