Another

Another year past the year she was born. Another year that she wasn't here. But, it's another year closer to seeing her.

Special Handling Please

I was handed a package the other day.
It was wrapped securely to be mailed away.
Attached to the outside as plain as could be
Was a simple note for all to see.

Please rush through the holiday season,
Too painful to open for any reason.
Contained within find one broken heart -
Fragile, broken, and falling apart.

Tried to go shopping the other day.
The hype of the season blew me away.
Sat down to write cards,
That was insane.
Couldn't find the list
Or think of my name.

People say,
"Come over, be of good cheer," and
"Celebrate the holidays,
Prepare a New Year."

But my grief overwhelms me
Like waves in the sea.
Can they cope with my crying,
and unsettled me?

I don't have any holiday cheer.
Decorations, traditions, big family meal,
I can't do this year.
Do you know how I feel?

Guilty and frustrated!
I've let everyone down!
Our holiday celebrations
Used to be the best in town.

So just ship me away,
Address unknown.
When my grief is better
I might fly home.

-Author Unknown

New Year Wishes for Bereaved Parents

To the newly bereaved: We wish you patience - patience with yourselves in the painful weeks, months, even years ahead.

To the bereaved sibling: We wish you and your parents a new understanding of each others needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those who are single parents: We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to cope, often alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of your child: We wish you a special willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have experienced the death of more than one child: We wish you the endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or all of your children: We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such inspiration to the rest of us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt: We wish you the reassurances that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed: We wish you the first steps out of the "Valley of the Shadow".

To all fathers and those of you unable to cry: We wish you healing tears and the ability to express your grief.

To those of you who are exhausted from grieving: We wish you the strength to face just one more hour, just one more day.

To all others with special needs we have not mentioned: We wish you the understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.

-from a speech by former TCF President, Joe Rousseau

New Year's SHARE Meeting

A week ago we went to a SHARE meeting where we discussed moving into a new year without our babies. Hubby and I related to a woman who said that it's weird that we are no longer in the year her baby was born in. We were given a list of new year's resolutions.

I resolve...

-that I will grieve as much, and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.
-that I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.
-that I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears, just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now".
-that I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.
-that I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.
-that I will not blame myself for my child's death.
-that I will not be ashamed or afraid to seek professional help if necessary.
-that I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or to even discuss it with them.
-that I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body the strength it will need to cope with my grief.
-to know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.
-to know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.
-to let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.
-to remind myself that when I find myself into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process, and these moods too will pass.
-to try to be happy about something each day, knowing that at first I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts.
-that I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.
-that I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

by: Nancy Mower

This list really hit home to us. We both realized mistakes we've made in the past months that may have made the healing process worse for us. We both learned that in this unfortunate circumstance we're in that it is necessary to put ourselves before other people in order for us to heal properly. It was a hard realization to come to as it sounds so selfish. We were told that our family and friends love us and will understand, and even if they don't understand they will accept it, not knowing what it's like to be in our position. It was hard for me and Hubby to hear 'cause quite frankly it sounded a little rude. But, seeing how we are still having a hard time with Olivia being gone, we've resolved to try to remember these resolutions.

Also, we listened to a lady say how being LDS put an extra strain on her. She said that people, trying to help, would tell her that her baby is better off in heaven anyway. Also, being LDS you are surrounded by large families and it can cause pressure to have children when your child has died or you have infertility issues (which we do). She said that though a lot of the pressure wasn't caused by people at church, being at church reminded her of how different her family was and how badly she wished it was different. It caused her to have anxiety attacks in church. When she said that, Hubby and I looked at each other because I have had a few in church before we got pregnant (and were wondering if we ever would), and since Olivia was born. It made sense, and we felt better about it. We wondered why it was always during church. It actually made us smile to finally know the reason why.

So, the meetings have been good for us. We started them when I quit work to focus on my grieving process. We haven't been to very many - they're only every other week. It was actually Hubby's first, but this was the best one so far.

A New Year

A time for looking ahead
and not behind.
A time for faith
and not despair.
A time for long great gulps of
hopeful expectation.
Drink deeply friend so that
fortified with the promises it brings,
This New Year will keep you near
fresh springs of healing love,
Where you may come to weave
old and loving memories
with new understandings and acceptance...
And find peace.

-Shirley Ottman