Expecting

"I don't think most people realize just how much is lost when a baby dies. You don't just lose the baby, you also lose the 1 and 2 and 10 and 16 year old that she was going to become. You lose Christmas mornings and loose teeth and first days of school. You just lose it all."

from Still.
a collection of honest artwork & poetry from the heart of a grieving mother
by Stephanie Paige Cole

What If?

I know we've very most likely figured out the things that caused me to lose Olivia and have chemical pregnancies, but what if? Since we buried Olivia I've kept my eye one the plot below her, just in case. It was logical then, but not since we've been blessed with our baby boy. I still kept my eye on it. Recently it has been filled. Every new grave there breaks my heart a little more. But when this particular grave was filled I grieved a little. Weird. Strange. Wrong?

Angel

Once I held and angel,
So very close to me.
I watched her run and jump and play,
But only in my memory.
I waited for the day she'd come,
She'd bring such joy to all.
Then the angel was called home,
She never had to fall.
She was too perfect for this world.
She didn't need to stay.
She went straight up to heaven.
I'll join her there someday.

-Unknown

Little Living Liv

3/22/07, 18 weeks 3 days

This was the last time we saw Olivia living and breathing (yes babies this old "breathe" in the womb). A week or so later was the last time we heard her heartbeat. We are so thankful we have recorded it, and had this extra ultrasound done.

Livy Bump

March 8, 2007

The First Time We Saw You

The first time we saw you was a year ago today. You were so tiny on that ultrasound screen. It was love at first sight. You waved at us and our eyes teared. It was finally happening to our family. No, we didn't have to wait very long, only nine months, but it seemed like forever. But no more. There you were - happy and healthy, and saying hello. I wonder if you knew then that you would be here for only a short time. No matter. Today you are once again happy and healthy, and though we can't see you, we know you're still waving at us.



11 weeks 4 days

In Memory of Olivia

Today, or some day around today, you should have been a pink little wrinkly squirmer in our arms. Instead you are one of God's angels, and I know you're in His choir. I remember how you'd move when you heard me sing, or when Daddy'd turn the music up really loud. What a joy you were to us. Our little girl we had waited so long for. We wanted you before we even found each other. I know you helped us find each other. Our tiny daughter. How beautiful you were lying there in our hands. Still and silent. It was like finally being able to see and hold the wind. Our baby girl. How beautifully sad the day was that you were born. Had things been the way we planned, today, or some day around today, would be your birthday. Your nursery would be filled with your cries. Oh, to hear you cry! Your crib would be warm with your heat. My breasts would not have had milk in vain. My arms would not ache. Our loved-ones would be glad to see pictures of you. But, it was not meant to be. Your body was never meant to walk this earth, but you have tread all over our hearts. Today Daddy and I wear pins over our hearts. Pins of a heart, with tiny feet within, to show that you were here. To show that though I no longer carry you in my belly, I will always carry you in my heart. You are real, and though others may, I will never forget you. My baby. My darling. My daughter.

Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart

When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.

- Author Unknown

Amazing Scrapbook by Kim

My sis-in-law Kim created an amazing scrapbook with all our pictures of Olivia, starting from the positive prego test all the way to the funeral. There are belly pics, ultrasound pics, baby shower pics, and more. It's absolutely gorgeous. It's obvious how much work was put in to it, and we are so appreciative. She has a wonderful talent.



Having all of Olivia's pictures in one place, and in such a beautiful memory book makes all the difference in the world. I love to look through it and remember how happy having a daughter makes me, and remember the times we shared. I am also so glad to have it to share with our future children. If you'd like, next time you're visiting you should have a look. It really is a treasure. Thank you, Kim.

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems to short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks
I came to know you
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks.
It wasn't enough to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and so few are mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why do I?
You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

-Susan Erling

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how she would grow,
The love of my family that she'd come to know.

The sound of her voice as she learns to talk,
Watching her steps as she tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am her mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling her grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's Day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because she's not here with me,
I still have a daughter I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be her mother forevermore!

-Author Unknown

"Livy's Mark"

This is what we call "Livy's mark". It's the only stretch mark I got from being pregnant with Olivia. It is precious and special to me.

We're Pregnant!

Here's the story of when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, and how we told our family:

Hubby and I had the day off of work for a fertility appointment. We figured we'd take a prego testo before we went just in case. Well, after almost 9 months of taking the tests we didn't expect to get anything other than a negative. It was positive immediately. I couldn't believe it. My eyes got huge, and my jaw dropped. I just stood there for a minute. I picked it up and tried to take it to Hubby a few times, but kept turning around, putting it in the light, and staring at it. After not hearing anything from me for a couple minutes Hubby hollered, "What does it say?", or something like that. I said, "Well, tell me what you think.", and took it to him. He saw my hand shaking when I handed the test to him and got an excited look on his face. He looked at it, then looked at me with the biggest smile. "We're pregnant! We're pregnant! Oh, my gosh!" was said a lot. Big hugs and kisses. We went out and bought a baby book that evening.

We wanted to wait until Christmas to tell anyone about it. It was our year to go to my hometown. We pasted pictures of the positive test in Christmas cards. We took one back home and taped one to Hubby's parent's Christmas gift. After my Momma and Grandma picked us up at the airport we went out to eat. Before we ate I handed Momma the card. She opened it, but she and Grandma couldn't make out what the picture was. At first she said, "What is it, a nail file?" I told her to turn it sideways and then she saw it. She yelled "You're pregnant? You're pregnant?" so loud that the whole restaurant knew. Big hugs and kisses. We had planned for Hubby's Dad to open his and Mom's card at the Christmas get-together with the family even though we weren't able to be there. He did, couldn't make out what the picture was, and put the card aside. Someone asked him what it said. He picked it up again, looked at it, and though it was maybe a nail file. The whole while Hubby was on the phone with one of his sisters. Hubby told his sister to tell Dad to hand the card to a girl. He did, and then everyone knew. Lots of congrats over the phone.

Lost Babies will be Resurrected

There is a book called Gone Too Soon, by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer, sold at Deseret Book. I would like to share a few excerpts from it.

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"Perhaps the most interesting statement regarding stillborn children is from Bruce R. McConkie in Mormon Doctrine. Elder McConkie states that the issues regarding these babies are

not clearly answered in the revelation so far available for the guidance of the saints in this dispensation. No doubt such things were plainly set forth in those past dispensations when more of the doctrines of salvation were known and taught than have been revealed so far to us.

That masterful document on the origin of man by the First Presidency of the Church (Joseph F. Smith, John Winder, and Anthon H. Lund) appears to bear out the concept that the eternal spirit enters the body prior to a normal birth, and therefore that stillborn children will be resurrected. It states: 'The body of man enters upon its career as a tiny germ or embryo, which becomes an infant, quickened at a certain stage by the spirit whose tabernacle it is, and the child, after being born, develops into a man.'... This interpretation is in harmony with the general knowledge we have of the mercy and justice of that Infinite Being in whose divine economy nothing is ever lost. It would appear that we can look forward with hope and anticipation for the resurrection of stillborn children.

President Brigham Young taught that 'when the mother feels life come to her infant, it is the spirit entering the body prepartory to the immortal existence'; and President Joseph Fielding Smith gave it as his opinion 'that these little ones will receive a resurrection and then belong to us.'

"These statements can be particularly comforting to couples who have lost a baby, even in early pregnancy. Because of medical technology, we know the unborn baby moves and kicks very early in pregnancy [5-6 weeks], long before the woman can feel it. Brigham Young indicated that the baby's movements were a manifestation that the spirit had entered the baby's body. If this is so, then it would appear that even the tiniest of babies would be eligible for the resurrection."

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"As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we look with awe and wonder at the faith of the young Joseph Smith as his fervent prayer was answered and he spoke to God the Father and Jesus Christ. While visions and visitations may not be Heavenly Father's typical response to our prayers, we are told that we can receive answers, even personal revelations, if we ask. The well-known scripture which inspired Joseph Smith to pray counsels, 'If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering' (James 1:5-6).

"After we have come to an understanding of our Heavenly Father and his plan for us, and have learned to develop pure faith and trust in God while keeping his commandments, we may seek answers from him regarding the losses we face - answers that perhaps only the Spirit can reveal. While the scriptures may not deal explicitly with our lost infants and the meaning of their lives, we are assured that whatever we ask in faith will be given. We are counseled to 'hearken unto [him], and open your ears that ye may hear, and your hearts that ye may understand, and your minds that the mysteries of God may be unfolded to your view' (Mosiah 2:9). The Lord further promises that 'whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you' (Moroni 7:26)."

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"To lose a baby is surely one of the cruelest events in nature. The bond between parent and child, even yet unborn, can be one of the most profound and intimate bonds ever experienced. Losing a baby can produce a devastation so deep and so complete that many wonder if rebounding from such an experience is even possible. But the Lord had told us to 'Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days' (D&C 24:8).

"Patience is not an easy thing to have during a crisis; but if we can concentrate on the love of God, allow ourselves to depend on his strength, and dedicate our lives to him, perhaps we can overcome the pain and say with the prophet Ammon, 'Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of God, for in his strength I can do all things' (Alma 26:12).

"By studying the scriptures and the writings of prophets and other Church leaders, a convincing arguement can be made that our lost babies will be resurrected."