Tonight

As I sit here tonight, listening to this beautiful music, watching little Liv's slideshow, crying my heart out, I am filled with utter and seemingly endless grief. But I know that's okay. Evey now and then it needs to be so. I will be okay. She will be mine forever. I will see her again one day. But for now someday isn't soon enough. I want it to be today. Tonight. In my arms being rocked. Little three year old curly headed princess. I love you.

Normal

Normal is having tears behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for birthdays, Christmas', Thanksgivings, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th, and Easter. Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party, yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. Normal is feeling you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through anything. Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what ifs and why didn't Is go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house because the silence is deafening. Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age, and then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it, then wondering why it is even important to imagine it because it will never happen. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart. Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday commonplace activity and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my normal. Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and her birthday and survive these days, and trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy birthday? Not really. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how she would love it, but how she is not here to enjoy it. Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. Normal is making sure that others remember her. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. Normal is not listening to people compare anything to this loss. Unless they too have lost a child NOTHING, even if your child is in the remotest part of the Earth away from you, compares. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry every day. Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as a "fetal demise" or a "product of conception" when you know they once were someone's loved one. normal is being impatient with everything and everyone but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. normals is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands, and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face. Normals is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God, "God may have done this because...". I love God. I know my baby is up in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from Earth is not appreciated and makes no sense to this grieving mother. Normals is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small happy children that break your heart when you see them. Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there is even a God. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all, normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal". This "normal" is torture.
-Unknown

In Memory Of

Brooklyne Nicole
February 14, 2010 * 11:22 AM
3 pounds 11 ounces * 18 inches
beloved daughter of Mark and Lorrina
little sister to Braxton

Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so I could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Getting Past the Holiday

Do we need to "get past Christmas" or Thanksgiving for that matter? Just as the sun rises the holiday season will come. The world will celebrate whether we want to avoid facing the festivities without our babies or not. Shouldn't we still be thankful for our blessings and enjoy Christmas? The world would expect as much, and we may or may not expect it and want it for ourselves and out families. It can be hard; but whether you wish to be joyful or not, here's some collected ideas to make all your Christmases a little brighter:

-Buy a beautiful Christmas candle and light it each day through December. It can be a daily, silent reminder of your baby and maybe make the whole house seem just a bit warmer.

-Plan your shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives. Try shopping at a different mall, and go early in the day before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Or shop online!

-Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts. Many friends would love to help but need to be asked.

-Consider changing your traditional family Christmas letter. Feel free to mention your loss. You may feel good sharing your feelings and others may benefit from hearing it as a reminder of the "true meaning of Christmas".

-Give yourself permission to change family traditions. Doing things differently this year may help to ward off some bad memories or expectations.

-Try a new idea when you are getting ready to hang up Christmas stockings. Go ahead and hang one up for your baby. Encourage each family member to write a note to the baby that can be read on Christmas Eve. A flower placed in the stocking for Christmas morning is a sweet sight.

-Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away, pick out a special card to send or take a plant o someone.

-Contribute to your favorite charity in your baby's name.

-Pamper yourself this month. Be determined to buy yourself a present.

-Plan on taking the time to cry. It is normal to have to cry during the holidays. Holidays intensify all emotions. Why should your loss be any different?

From "Getting Past Christmas" by Carlene Vester Eneroth

A Stairway

My Child's Name

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know,
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent, pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

-Author Unknown

His and Hers

They both feel helpless.
But they each seek their own roles.
They have to find a way to cope.
To soothe their shattered souls.
He wants to take away her pain,
And make her feel safe once more.
She wants to share her tears with him,
Bare herself to the core.
He wants to make it better,
And he wants to be assured
That everything will be okay
That their love has endured.
She wants to talk some more
About their child who died.
He thinks that he's
Done something wrong,
And that is why she sighed.
She's crying once again,
And won't get out of bed.
He sees her journal perched atop
All those books she's read.
She sees him start a new project,
Go to work and watch TV.
She wonders how he does it.
How he has the energy.
But sometimes there's a moment,
When they're both on the same plane.
Sometimes, just for a moment,
Their grief seems just the same.
It's those small-shared moments
That they need so very much.
That they find each other reaching,
That they find each others touch.

-Gwen Flowers

My Mom Is a Survivor

My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise,
but through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive,
but anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears,
so if you get a chance, go visit her
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says
no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

-Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Thinking of and praying for all you mom's of angels this Mother's Day.

My Poem for Olivia

She was supposed to be here now,
So cuddly, warm and sweet.
You planned for months, and felt her move,
And loved her more each day.


This baby girl, you hadn’t met,
Filled you up with pride.
We couldn’t wait to meet her too,
And look into her eyes.


Then, with no notice,
She was taken from this place.
I heard the phone, got a lump in my throat,
And knew nothing would be the same.


Tears rolled freely down my cheeks,
As I listened to the news.
My heart just ached, and I wondered what
Your hearts must be going through.


Olivia Marie,
The name just seemed to fit,
The precious girl who couldn’t stay,
Though we wished so much she could.


She must be special to have left,
Such a mark on us.
And what a day it will be,
When we meet her face to face.


She will always be your daughter,
Our granddaughter, niece and cousin.
We’ll just have to wait a while,
To see Livy’s perfect smile.

-Olivia's Aunt Mandy

Poem Without A Name

This was sent to me by a friend who has babies in heaven:

"The following poem was sent to us by a mother who received it from a friend. The friend had no idea who wrote it. Surely though, whoever did must have been someone like us, to capture not just the pathos of stillbirth, but the emptiness that greets mothers when they step back into the world.

"What is it in our culture that causes so many to fear death so much that they will go out of their way to not even discuss it? Is this aversion like the blinders horses wear, so they are not startled by peripheral events? If so, we’re going to miss a lot of life along the roads we travel for not accepting that all roads have endings.

"We have experienced the best and the worst life has to offer. And yet is there any one of us who – were we given a chance knowing the outcome – would not have gone through the fire? We are not to be pitied for our loss. It is they, who have 'died', but not yet stopped breathing or fallen over, that deserve the pity."


Poem Without A Name

To those who look away when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject when we speak our baby's name,
change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had her at all,
how could we miss her so much,
in our hearts we have seen her live a thousand times.
We have seen her first steps, her first day of school, her wedding, and her children.
We have had her forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.
I thank God for that everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have one in the grave,
and that is one too many.

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life,
the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,
she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us; we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to US,
and you just might see THEM.

-Author Unknown

Mothers

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

In Memory of Aidan

November 8, 2008



Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so I could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Aidan, you will be forever loved and forever missed.

Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so i could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Letting Go

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or madness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories but to overcome and to move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door and to clear a path and to set yourself free.

-Gloria Abraham

All We Have To Do

My favorite movies are "The Lord of The Ring" movies. In the first movie Frodo, the hero, gets stuck with the very unfortunate and grueling task of destroying a very evil ring. With tears streaming down his face Frodo says, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened." Frodo's close friend and mentor, Gandalf, replies, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Every time I hear these quotes tears stream down my face. I think, "I wish this pain had never come to me. I wish little Liv would have never died." Gandalf's reply always hits me. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." For a long while time stood still for me. Yet at the same time it was passing too quickly. These conflicting feelings created a pause in my life where I just stopped. I stumbled around without a reason or cause forgetting things that were once important to me. I am just now starting to "play" again. Slowly I am learning to move on while at the same time carry this, carry her with me. Though Gandalf's words always struck me I am just now beginning to follow them. Sometimes I thought I was following them. I'd have little spurts. It no longer feels like spurts. I am deciding.

Without

They say there is a reason.
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor season
Will change the way I feel.
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles.
No one knows how many times
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something
So there won't be any doubt.
You're so wonderful to think of,
but so hard to be without.

-Unknown

Dear Daddy

Don't cry for me, Daddy,
I am right here.
Although you can't see me,
I see your tears.
I visit you often.
I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillow's where I lay.
I hold your hand and stoke your hair,
And whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today, Daddy,
Remember I am here.
You will always be my daddy
Even though I'm not here with you.
I'm Daddy's little girl.
We will never be apart-
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I love you, Daddy!
Your baby girl.

-Author Unknown

Mother's and Father's Day

Something to Think About as Mother's Day and Father's Day Approaches

Parental love involves a never-ending commitment and plenty of opportunities to care for and assume responsibility for your child. Parental grief challenges you to find a way to live with the frustration of being robbed of the opportunity to directly care and be responsible for your child.

Parental love involves having plenty of opportunities for emotional and physical contact with your child. Parental grief challenges you to find a way to continue loving your child without continued contact.

Parental love involves having dreams and expectations for the future of your child. Parental grief challenges you to find solace and meaning in a life briefly lived.

Parental love involves knowing where your child is. Parental grief challenges you to find a safe place for your child.

Parental love involves attending to your child's needs when he is in your presence. Parental grief challenges you to learn not to look after your own needs when you sense your child's presence or struggle with her absence.

Parental love involves an expanded capacity for love and life. parental grief challenges you to find the use for the expanded capacity, to not let it go to waste or whither away.

Because parental love is never ending, so too is parental grief. You don't really get over the death of your child, you just learn to live with it.

And so, on this special day when you celebrate your role as a mother or father, be kind to yourself. Give yourself a hug. Give yourself some time alone. Give yourself permission to remember, to cry, to miss your child, to tell others how you feel. But, most important of all, remember to celebrate the special gift of parental love, the lasting gift that your child has given you, a gift that not even death can take away.

-Karen Martin

You Are a Mother

A mother's love persists
Despite the time or distance
Weathering storms of adversity and absence
A mother's love persists
Despite tears and heartaches
In spite of all enemies
And until her own last dying breath
A mother's love persists
Beyond the grave
Stronger than death
Enduring and everlasting
A mother's love persists
You are a mother, even in the physical absence of your child
You are a mother.
Because a mother's love persists.

-Unknown

I Am a Mother

I am a mother
But like most others
I am a special mother
I held my daughter
Even though only in my womb

I am a mother
Even though my daughter is no longer
At least...not on earth
He lives in heaven
With our sweet Father
Which is far better

I am a mother
Like most others
To an angel...to whom I gave birth

I am a mother
Like most others
Who doesn’t get to throw parties
For those special occasions…like birthdays
Instead, we hold a silent party...in our hearts and heads

I am a mother...unlike some
Who hold their babies in their arms
I am a mother...who holds her daughter
So close to her heart

I am a mother...some beg to differ
I am a mother...though some may not agree
I am a mother
Who’s child is no longer with her
But...I am a mother

I am a mother...who can only dream
Of the day she holds her baby
For the first time in her arms
But never lets her leave her heart

I am a mother
Far from my daughter
But I am a mother…who will never forget
The day she lost her first baby

I am a mother...who dreams
Of a rocking chair in heaven
Where I will someday...hold her close
When she cries or when I kiss her goodnight

I am a mother who…
Instead of holding my daughter’s hand
For the first day of school
Holds onto memories
That will never come true

I am a mother...who visits a cemetery instead of a school
I am a mother...who will never see
What her child will grow to be

I am a mother who cries herself to sleep...sometimes
I am a mother who sometimes rocks herself

I am a mother who gets to wonder what would be
I am a mother who wonders...What would she be?

Most of all...I Am A Mother

-Patricia Hollie