Your Delight

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

-Kahil Gibran

Unless You've Lost A Child...

Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed? Don't ask us if we fell better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Don't tell us at least we had our child for the time we did. What time would you choose for your child to die? Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just an unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at and why and may lash out at those closest to us. Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf. Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you're sorry. We're sorry too, and your saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Even if you're more sorry that we hurt than you are at our child's passing. It wasn't your child and you weren't as close to them as we were so we'll understand. Just say you're sorry. Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day. Do say you remember our child, if you do. Even if you just remember us being pregnant or how happy we were when we were pregnant. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child. Our child may have or may not have lived, but still lives in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date, due date, and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do. Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. Do be thankful for children.

-taken from the "Utah Share" Newsletter January/February 2008

New Year's SHARE Meeting

A week ago we went to a SHARE meeting where we discussed moving into a new year without our babies. Hubby and I related to a woman who said that it's weird that we are no longer in the year her baby was born in. We were given a list of new year's resolutions.

I resolve...

-that I will grieve as much, and for as long as I feel like grieving, and that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.
-that I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I should or should not be behaving.
-that I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will not hold back my tears, just because someone else feels I should be "brave" or "getting better" or "healing by now".
-that I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.
-that I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding that one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.
-that I will not blame myself for my child's death.
-that I will not be ashamed or afraid to seek professional help if necessary.
-that I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain this communion to others or to justify or to even discuss it with them.
-that I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my body the strength it will need to cope with my grief.
-to know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.
-to know that I will heal, even though it will take a long time.
-to let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.
-to remind myself that when I find myself into the old moods of despair and depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal part of the grief process, and these moods too will pass.
-to try to be happy about something each day, knowing that at first I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts.
-that I will reach out at times and try to help someone else, knowing that helping others will help me to get over my depression.
-that I will opt for life, knowing that is what my child would want me to do.

by: Nancy Mower

This list really hit home to us. We both realized mistakes we've made in the past months that may have made the healing process worse for us. We both learned that in this unfortunate circumstance we're in that it is necessary to put ourselves before other people in order for us to heal properly. It was a hard realization to come to as it sounds so selfish. We were told that our family and friends love us and will understand, and even if they don't understand they will accept it, not knowing what it's like to be in our position. It was hard for me and Hubby to hear 'cause quite frankly it sounded a little rude. But, seeing how we are still having a hard time with Olivia being gone, we've resolved to try to remember these resolutions.

Also, we listened to a lady say how being LDS put an extra strain on her. She said that people, trying to help, would tell her that her baby is better off in heaven anyway. Also, being LDS you are surrounded by large families and it can cause pressure to have children when your child has died or you have infertility issues (which we do). She said that though a lot of the pressure wasn't caused by people at church, being at church reminded her of how different her family was and how badly she wished it was different. It caused her to have anxiety attacks in church. When she said that, Hubby and I looked at each other because I have had a few in church before we got pregnant (and were wondering if we ever would), and since Olivia was born. It made sense, and we felt better about it. We wondered why it was always during church. It actually made us smile to finally know the reason why.

So, the meetings have been good for us. We started them when I quit work to focus on my grieving process. We haven't been to very many - they're only every other week. It was actually Hubby's first, but this was the best one so far.

Forget Me Not

Remember Me Preemie Memorial Page

Kim, the lady at Remember Me Preemie, has started a memorial web page for the babies who's memorial dolls she's made. Olivia will be there soon. The web address is : http://remembermepreemie.com/inmemoryofourlittleones.aspx.

A New Year

A time for looking ahead
and not behind.
A time for faith
and not despair.
A time for long great gulps of
hopeful expectation.
Drink deeply friend so that
fortified with the promises it brings,
This New Year will keep you near
fresh springs of healing love,
Where you may come to weave
old and loving memories
with new understandings and acceptance...
And find peace.

-Shirley Ottman