Another

Another year past the year she was born. Another year that she wasn't here. But, it's another year closer to seeing her.

Getting Past the Holiday

Do we need to "get past Christmas" or Thanksgiving for that matter? Just as the sun rises the holiday season will come. The world will celebrate whether we want to avoid facing the festivities without our babies or not. Shouldn't we still be thankful for our blessings and enjoy Christmas? The world would expect as much, and we may or may not expect it and want it for ourselves and out families. It can be hard; but whether you wish to be joyful or not, here's some collected ideas to make all your Christmases a little brighter:

-Buy a beautiful Christmas candle and light it each day through December. It can be a daily, silent reminder of your baby and maybe make the whole house seem just a bit warmer.

-Plan your shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives. Try shopping at a different mall, and go early in the day before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Or shop online!

-Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts. Many friends would love to help but need to be asked.

-Consider changing your traditional family Christmas letter. Feel free to mention your loss. You may feel good sharing your feelings and others may benefit from hearing it as a reminder of the "true meaning of Christmas".

-Give yourself permission to change family traditions. Doing things differently this year may help to ward off some bad memories or expectations.

-Try a new idea when you are getting ready to hang up Christmas stockings. Go ahead and hang one up for your baby. Encourage each family member to write a note to the baby that can be read on Christmas Eve. A flower placed in the stocking for Christmas morning is a sweet sight.

-Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away, pick out a special card to send or take a plant o someone.

-Contribute to your favorite charity in your baby's name.

-Pamper yourself this month. Be determined to buy yourself a present.

-Plan on taking the time to cry. It is normal to have to cry during the holidays. Holidays intensify all emotions. Why should your loss be any different?

From "Getting Past Christmas" by Carlene Vester Eneroth

Special Handling Please

I was handed a package the other day.
It was wrapped securely to be mailed away.
Attached to the outside as plain as could be
Was a simple note for all to see.

Please rush through the holiday season,
Too painful to open for any reason.
Contained within find one broken heart -
Fragile, broken, and falling apart.

Tried to go shopping the other day.
The hype of the season blew me away.
Sat down to write cards,
That was insane.
Couldn't find the list
Or think of my name.

People say,
"Come over, be of good cheer," and
"Celebrate the holidays,
Prepare a New Year."

But my grief overwhelms me
Like waves in the sea.
Can they cope with my crying,
and unsettled me?

I don't have any holiday cheer.
Decorations, traditions, big family meal,
I can't do this year.
Do you know how I feel?

Guilty and frustrated!
I've let everyone down!
Our holiday celebrations
Used to be the best in town.

So just ship me away,
Address unknown.
When my grief is better
I might fly home.

-Author Unknown

What If?

I know we've very most likely figured out the things that caused me to lose Olivia and have chemical pregnancies, but what if? Since we buried Olivia I've kept my eye one the plot below her, just in case. It was logical then, but not since we've been blessed with our baby boy. I still kept my eye on it. Recently it has been filled. Every new grave there breaks my heart a little more. But when this particular grave was filled I grieved a little. Weird. Strange. Wrong?

My Garden

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

-Unknown