Mothers

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

Rainbow Baby

A Rainbow Baby is one who comes after the storm of pregnancy loss. The loss is the storm, not the baby lost.

Livy's little brother arrived safely three weeks ago. We're sure that Olivia helped him along the way. He beat all the odds against him being conceived and gestating, and made it through having the cord wrapped around his neck and meconium in his bag of waters before birth.

Miracles do happen. Here's ours:



Thank you, Olivia, for being his guardian angel. We love you and miss you being here on earth with us.

The Time

"You don't heal from the loss because time passes, you heal because of what you do with the time." -Carol Crandall

I totally believe this. I went back to work too soon after we lost our Livy. I threw myself back into a normal routine, gave the same old answers as to what happened when I was asked, and didn't really focus on healing. Months later I was no better. I was almost as raw as the week she was born. I crashed. Hubby and I had a sit-down and discussed it. We decided I needed to quit my job and focus on healing for Olivia, for me, for us, and for our future family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone who's experienced a loss should quit their job. It just seemed like a good time with the business I worked for being sold to new owners and me crashing all around the same time. Since then I have been able to look at her baby book, scrapbook, and memory box whenever I feel that I need to. I can visit her grave whenever I feel that I need to. I can talk to her without others hearing. I have more time for PAIL meetings if I feel I need outside support. I've finally faced and dealt with the grief and pain, and have come out much the better for it. I headed up a memorial fundraiser for NSS on her first heavenly birthday. I browse the internet looking for other mothers I can help. I've learned how to make this blog more accessible and have tried to chock it full of helpful information for any mother who has experienced a loss who might come across it. (Still need to work a little more on that, I think.) I have prayed... and prayed... and prayed. Then one day I realized that I found peace with what happened to our daughter. I still have sad days, of course, and I still get misty-eyed or cry out of missing her, but for the most part, when I think of her, I feel blessed for being given such a perfect little daughter who was too good for this world. Sometimes I think she was just needed elsewhere and was sent to us for that brief time because she belongs to us, but had very important things to do. I know she is eternally a member of our family, and I can't wait to give her the biggest hug and kiss. I am proud of my daughter, and not ashamed to mention her in day-to-day conversation. She's the best daughter a couple could ever ask for, and we are thankful for her.

In Memory of Ella

December 13, 2008



A Child of Mine

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine", He said .
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be for 6 or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you till I call for her
Take care of her for me?

"I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

"I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs, the crowd, life's lanes
I've selected you.

"So will you give her all your love
Nor count the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
To take her home again?"

I thought I heard them say,
"Yea, Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy this child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness
And love her while we may
And for the happiness she brings
Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll bear the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand".

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine" He said.
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead".

-Author Unknown

Ella, your family will forever love and remember you, and look forward to the day you will meet again.

New Year Wishes for Bereaved Parents

To the newly bereaved: We wish you patience - patience with yourselves in the painful weeks, months, even years ahead.

To the bereaved sibling: We wish you and your parents a new understanding of each others needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those who are single parents: We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to cope, often alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of your child: We wish you a special willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have experienced the death of more than one child: We wish you the endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or all of your children: We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such inspiration to the rest of us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt: We wish you the reassurances that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed: We wish you the first steps out of the "Valley of the Shadow".

To all fathers and those of you unable to cry: We wish you healing tears and the ability to express your grief.

To those of you who are exhausted from grieving: We wish you the strength to face just one more hour, just one more day.

To all others with special needs we have not mentioned: We wish you the understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.

-from a speech by former TCF President, Joe Rousseau

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

-Wanda Bencke

Beaded Angel Ornament

You can make one in memory of any loved one passed.

Holiday Remembering

Ideas to Remember Your Baby During the Holidays

- Light candle at a set time every evening to remember you beloved child, sibling, or grandchild.
- Volunteer to help others once per week in remembrance of your child.
- Meditate or pray for all the families experiencing the death of a child each day this month.
- Create a loss journal of every "remembrance activity" you participate in.
- Create a work of art such as a clay project, video, scrapbook, or musical composition.
- Write ten letters or cards of gratitude to those someones special in your life.
- Devote yourself to reading one meaningful book during this month about love, life, and loss.

Taken from www.missfoundation.org.

Where Are You Christmas?

This song touches my heart every Christmas. I have always loved Christmas, but just couldn't get into the spirit of it the year we lost Olivia. Then I heard this song. It didn't magically make me feel better and make my Christmas perfect, but it did remind me that it's okay to be sad and grieve. There will be many more Christmas' to come, and though she is not there in person Olivia will always be there is spirit. Since then she has become my Christmas spirit. The last verse of the song may not apply now, but I could cling to the hope it inspires that one day it will apply - that one day I will be healed in a way that I am able to be happy knowing she is safe and sound and having a wonderful Christmas right along with us. What a gift a child is, and who better to know this than someone who has lost theirs. Who better knows of the pain our Heavenly Father experienced when He gave His Only Begotten. In time Christmas will take on this new meaning for those who have lost children, and they will see Christmas in a way they never thought they could. When you are ready, and if you let it, you will one day see the gift that Christmas really represents, be filled with the hope of it, and be able to hold your child in your heart with joy.

Christmas Box Ceremony

The Christmas Box Angel Statue was introduced to the world in the book The Christmas Box, a worldwide bestseller and hit television movie by author Richard Paul Evans. In the book, a woman mourns the loss of her child at the base of an angel monument. Though the story is mostly fiction, the angel monument once existed but is speculated to have been destroyed. The new angel statue was commissioned by Richard Paul Evans, in response to reports that grieving parents were seeking out the angel as a place to grieve and heal. The monument was dedicated on December 6, 1994-corresponding with the date of the child’s death in The Christmas Box (Coincidentally, Dec. 6th is celebrated in many parts of the world as Children’s Day). At the request of Sexton Paul Byron and Salt Lake City Mayor Deedee Corradini, Salt Lake City donated the land on which the monument stands. The sculpture is the creation of a father and son from Salt Lake City, Utah, Ortho and Jared Fairbanks, and modeled according to the description in Evans’ book. The face of the angel is that of Evans’ second daughter, Allyson-Danica. If you look closely you can find on the angel’s right wing (west) the word "hope."Flowers, sent from around the world, adorn the base of the monument year round, accompanying notes left by parents for their "little angels." On December 6th of each year (7 p.m. MST) a candlelight healing ceremony is held at the base of the Christmas Box Angel monument. After a few remarks, a moment of silence, and the lullaby of a children’s choir, the attendees are invited to leave a white flower at the base of the angel statue. The public is welcome.

In addition to the angel in the Salt Lake City cemetery, there are Christmas Box Angels in more than 25 other areas erected by great people just like you. Furthermore, there are nearly 100 in the works, and at least a dozen of these have dedication dates. Click here to locate a Christmas Box Angel near you.