18 March 2011

Forgive Them For They Know Not What They Say (Or Do)

By Brian Henry

When we lost our daughter Caroline, we gained a world of perspective we never wanted.

Most people lead a life blissfully ignorant of pregnancy loss. Many of our friends and family had no idea what it was like to suffer this type of loss, so it stood to reason that they also had no idea how to react when it entered their lives.

Forgiving the ignorance of others isn't exactly the first thing you do after a loss.

In the days following Caroline's stillbirth, we expected everyone would understand right away what we needed - gentle words, limitless understanding, the ability to listen for hours on end as we cried our way through another difficult evening - and further, that they would instantaneously and successfully deliver the support we needed.

When those expectations weren't met, we were disappointed and angry. Everyone we came in contact with was summarily labeled according to their level of support - there were the rarified few that made it into the "very helpful" category, a few more that were "somewhat helpful" and then the majority who fell into the abyss known as "wow, couldn’t have been less helpful, let's never call that person again."

Only in the years since our loss have we realized our expectations didn’t match reality. We failed to understand what is possible emotionally from people who haven’t had a loss, which made it more difficult for our recovery.

We should expect basic human reactions – "I'm sorry." "How sad." "I'm here to help." - but we found ourselves demanding even more. Only now, after suffering our own loss, meeting others who have suffered losses and educating our friends and family about pregnancy loss, do we truly understand, and forgive.

Forgiveness is a big word for us. We don't ask for it from each other very often, even though we should. And we don't give it out a lot to others, because we feel obligated to hold onto our angry feelings, take every slight, file it in our brain and recall it at a moment's notice.

We felt that if we did forgive, it would allow hurtful words or lack of support - unintentional though it may have been - to shape our view of ourselves and of our loss.

As we went along our own journey of recovery, we came to understand that forgiving people around us for not meeting our expectations (and forgiving ourselves for having those expectations in the first place), actually helped us to better appreciate what our friends and family could, and did, give to us.

It's a lesson we didn’t want to learn, but now that we have, we hope we’re better at forgiving those closest to us and helping others understand how they can better support families who have suffered such a devastating loss.

-taken from nationalshare.blogspot.com

Personally I didn't have much support because of a couple different reasons. One, I didn't want people to know I needed support and two, I am not the type to have close friends and had only a couple friends I'd label as close at the time. One of these friends is someone I worked with. She was more supportive than I could ever have hoped for. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back she was an angel for me when I needed it most. Years later we hardly see each other any more, but she still reads this blog. So, you know who you are. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. You were the only one who gave me what I needed when I didn't even know what I needed myself. My own sisters and mother were uncomfortable talking with me, but you were there. I will never forget. You are a big part of my Olivia's story. Thank you P.

Everyone needs something different. What I needed was someone to listen and let me talk and not act uncomfortable. I feel pretty sure there is a certain sis-in-law of mine who also reads this blog who I could have called, but at the time I don't think I felt like I knew her well enough. I wish I would have called because she loves her nieces and nephews more than any other aunt I know and I am sure she was grieving too and could have used an ear to listen. Love you M.

As far as forgiving those who were not supportive, I think that comes with time. For me, like I said, I am not the type to have girlfriends so I did not expect anything from anyone. I expected more support from my sisters and mother than they gave, but now when I think about it I just feel like "whatever". They probably just didn't know how or didn't know what to say. Maybe my expectations were too high. My momma has a picture of our Liv on her table of grandbabies and that is good enough for me now-a-days.

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