04 May 2011

Mother's Day

It is upon me. Mother's Day. Mother's Day is a day I'd rather skip and a day that I look forward to all in one. Mother's Day. Just the thought of it makes me cry. Crying is my first reaction to thinking about Mother's Day. I have two beautiful healthy children. I thought somehow that would make Mother's Day a 100% positive day for me. No matter how many living breathing children I have I will always have one in the grave, and that is one too many. Focusing too much on the negative? My child is not a negative thing. My child dying is a negative thing. You have two arms. Lets cut one off and bury it in the ground and see which one you have trouble not focusing on. Thinking about. Yearning for. For me it is unfortunate that Mother's Day always falls on a Sunday. Sunday's mean church. I love church. But Mother's Day at church makes Mother's Day even harder, or at least it always has in the past. Every year the little children go up to the front and sing sweet songs in their precious little voices about mother's. Every year my Olivia is missing. Four. She would be four this year. Maybe when my living children are old enough to sing it will not be so hard. It will be wonderful to look up there and see a child of mine. But Olivia will still be missing. And this is only one reason it's so tough. Think I'm focusing on the negative again? Let's cut off one of your legs. You can go on without it. You can get a new leg. Maybe even one that's better than your old one. It just takes time. You'll get used to it. After a while you won't even remember you ever had it. You can still walk. You should be grateful for just being alive and having such a wonderful life. Right. And a child is so so so much more precious that a limb. A child. My child. My child is not here and knowing where she is does not make me miss her any less. She should be. She should be here with me. My babies should have an older sister. My son should not be the oldest of my children. I should be a mother of three. And I am, but only to myself. I wish she had had the chance to experience this world and be a part of an earthly family. I wish she could have seen a butterfly, a fish, a rainbow, a playground. I wish she could be here to get sunburns and eat ice cream and make snow angels. Mother's Day I am grateful, extremely, emotionally, strongly grateful for my two living children. Mother's Day I am in despair for the loss of my firstborn living here on this earth with her family.



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3 comments:

brigette said...

I blog hopped to this time :). THis sounds so familiar. I am so sorry you know the same pain.. its not fair at all. I will be thinking of you on Sunday and of your sweet olivia to! Much love Marie

Shanna said...

My heart hurts for you. I promise you this, I ALWAYS think of you with three children. Olivia's spirit is so strong, the Spirit we felt as we worked on her Christmas wish. I pray that in those quiet moments, you might brush close by the veil and Olivia is able to comfort you on Mothers Day. I know its real and we can have those moments of peace. I have a hard time with Mothers Day too, as you know my arms are empty for other reasons. My Mother is speaking Sunday, and she is having such a hard time finding a topic because she understands the heartbreak many sisters feel on this day...I have one sister that is unmarried, then there is me, and she's lost her mother...Oh my dear friend, I do wish that I would have known you more than in passing while you lived here, but I am so grateful for the friendship that we share now. BIG HUGS!!!! Shanna

Natasha said...

Peach wow- what a powerful post.....Mother's Day is such a difficult time and you are right- the longing for your baby will never go away. Thank you for sharing with us how this day is so emotionally challenging for you with your two precious angels here on earth and your other precious angel Olivia in Heaven. I pray for you peace and strength always.

Thank you so much for participating in the Face of Loss, Faces of Hope May Blog Hop.....we're so honor you shared your blog with us!

xoxo
Natasha

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