Another

Another year past the year she was born. Another year that she wasn't here. But, it's another year closer to seeing her.

Getting Past the Holiday

Do we need to "get past Christmas" or Thanksgiving for that matter? Just as the sun rises the holiday season will come. The world will celebrate whether we want to avoid facing the festivities without our babies or not. Shouldn't we still be thankful for our blessings and enjoy Christmas? The world would expect as much, and we may or may not expect it and want it for ourselves and out families. It can be hard; but whether you wish to be joyful or not, here's some collected ideas to make all your Christmases a little brighter:

-Buy a beautiful Christmas candle and light it each day through December. It can be a daily, silent reminder of your baby and maybe make the whole house seem just a bit warmer.

-Plan your shopping trips ahead of time or try creative alternatives. Try shopping at a different mall, and go early in the day before bumping into all those merry shoppers. Or shop online!

-Enlist the help of others in wrapping your gifts. Many friends would love to help but need to be asked.

-Consider changing your traditional family Christmas letter. Feel free to mention your loss. You may feel good sharing your feelings and others may benefit from hearing it as a reminder of the "true meaning of Christmas".

-Give yourself permission to change family traditions. Doing things differently this year may help to ward off some bad memories or expectations.

-Try a new idea when you are getting ready to hang up Christmas stockings. Go ahead and hang one up for your baby. Encourage each family member to write a note to the baby that can be read on Christmas Eve. A flower placed in the stocking for Christmas morning is a sweet sight.

-Determine to do one special thing for someone else in December. Maybe you know someone who is hurting like you or a lonely neighbor who could use a short visit. Perhaps you could make cookies to give away, pick out a special card to send or take a plant o someone.

-Contribute to your favorite charity in your baby's name.

-Pamper yourself this month. Be determined to buy yourself a present.

-Plan on taking the time to cry. It is normal to have to cry during the holidays. Holidays intensify all emotions. Why should your loss be any different?

From "Getting Past Christmas" by Carlene Vester Eneroth

Special Handling Please

I was handed a package the other day.
It was wrapped securely to be mailed away.
Attached to the outside as plain as could be
Was a simple note for all to see.

Please rush through the holiday season,
Too painful to open for any reason.
Contained within find one broken heart -
Fragile, broken, and falling apart.

Tried to go shopping the other day.
The hype of the season blew me away.
Sat down to write cards,
That was insane.
Couldn't find the list
Or think of my name.

People say,
"Come over, be of good cheer," and
"Celebrate the holidays,
Prepare a New Year."

But my grief overwhelms me
Like waves in the sea.
Can they cope with my crying,
and unsettled me?

I don't have any holiday cheer.
Decorations, traditions, big family meal,
I can't do this year.
Do you know how I feel?

Guilty and frustrated!
I've let everyone down!
Our holiday celebrations
Used to be the best in town.

So just ship me away,
Address unknown.
When my grief is better
I might fly home.

-Author Unknown

What If?

I know we've very most likely figured out the things that caused me to lose Olivia and have chemical pregnancies, but what if? Since we buried Olivia I've kept my eye one the plot below her, just in case. It was logical then, but not since we've been blessed with our baby boy. I still kept my eye on it. Recently it has been filled. Every new grave there breaks my heart a little more. But when this particular grave was filled I grieved a little. Weird. Strange. Wrong?

My Garden

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden.

-Unknown

Glory In The Flower

Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;

-from "Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood" by William Wordsworth

A Stairway

For Olivia

October 15th Video

PAIL Awareness Day

There are many "walks to remember" you can participate in. Contact your local SHARE office to find one in your area.

My Child's Name

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know,
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent, pretending she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say "pretty good" or "fine."
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

-Author Unknown

If...

If you had been born on your due date, today you would be two.

I Miss You

I miss you every day, but today I am missing you more than usual. I don't know what's different about today. Just wondering what you'd be like. Around two years old. Walking. Talking. Beautiful curly hair and blue eyes. I miss you being here with our family. I wish I could hug you and rock you and kiss you. I MISS you. I miss you! Baby girl I want you here with me, with us. I wish your little brother could grow up with you. I want to be running around after you and wondering how I'm gonna keep keeping up with two. I want to hold you both in my arms and read bedtime stories. My heart hurts. I miss you SO much. What I wouldn't give to have you here, warm, soft, sweet, and precious in my arms. I want to squeeze you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. I can imagine how it'd be to have you here. I'm day-dreaming about it and it is beautiful. Maybe it's selfish, but I want you here. I am not complete without you. I miss you, miss you, miss you, so so much.

His and Hers

They both feel helpless.
But they each seek their own roles.
They have to find a way to cope.
To soothe their shattered souls.
He wants to take away her pain,
And make her feel safe once more.
She wants to share her tears with him,
Bare herself to the core.
He wants to make it better,
And he wants to be assured
That everything will be okay
That their love has endured.
She wants to talk some more
About their child who died.
He thinks that he's
Done something wrong,
And that is why she sighed.
She's crying once again,
And won't get out of bed.
He sees her journal perched atop
All those books she's read.
She sees him start a new project,
Go to work and watch TV.
She wonders how he does it.
How he has the energy.
But sometimes there's a moment,
When they're both on the same plane.
Sometimes, just for a moment,
Their grief seems just the same.
It's those small-shared moments
That they need so very much.
That they find each other reaching,
That they find each others touch.

-Gwen Flowers

A Moment Is

"Sometimes love is for a moment.
Sometimes love is for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

-Martin Luther King

Closer

You are closer to me than ever before, and the only difference is that instead of opening my eyes to see you, now I must open my heart.

-unknown

A "Still" Father

My child is gone
I hardly remember
Her coming
A moment in time
That was both
The longest
And shortest
Of my life.
Anticipation
Devastation
And now
Reclamation
Putting the pieces
Of my soul
In semblance
Of order.
Time to go on
Time to get on
With life
With love
With a hole
In my heart
But with joy
For that moment.
I am her father
A blessed gift
Through whom I have learned
I can love
Deeply
That which I cannot hold
Except in my heart
Knowing I am forever her father.

by Richard Olsen, founder and Executive Director of The National Stillbirth Society

Eternal

When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay, but rather that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living - even if you don't feel like it. [Don't let] grief be your constant companion. Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child, and rejoice in that love which will never end. Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.

-Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989

Years of Joy

"Whole years of joy glide unperceived away, while sorrow counts the minutes as they pass." -William Havard



Don't let this happen to you. Yes, grieve, but let the grief lessen and lessen as time goes by. It will not happen without your permission. Then you can feel the joy and happiness of life again. And remember, happiness does not equal forgetfulness.

My Mom Is a Survivor

My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise,
but through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive,
but anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears,
so if you get a chance, go visit her
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says
no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

-Kaye Des'Ormeaux

Thinking of and praying for all you mom's of angels this Mother's Day.

An Ugly Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the other one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have work the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

-Unknown

My Poem for Olivia

She was supposed to be here now,
So cuddly, warm and sweet.
You planned for months, and felt her move,
And loved her more each day.


This baby girl, you hadn’t met,
Filled you up with pride.
We couldn’t wait to meet her too,
And look into her eyes.


Then, with no notice,
She was taken from this place.
I heard the phone, got a lump in my throat,
And knew nothing would be the same.


Tears rolled freely down my cheeks,
As I listened to the news.
My heart just ached, and I wondered what
Your hearts must be going through.


Olivia Marie,
The name just seemed to fit,
The precious girl who couldn’t stay,
Though we wished so much she could.


She must be special to have left,
Such a mark on us.
And what a day it will be,
When we meet her face to face.


She will always be your daughter,
Our granddaughter, niece and cousin.
We’ll just have to wait a while,
To see Livy’s perfect smile.

-Olivia's Aunt Mandy

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Olivia

Two years can go by so quickly, yet so slowly. We miss you every single day. We pray you know how much we love you. We can hardly wait until we meet again. Happy heavenly birthday, baby. We know you'll have a wonderful day in heaven.

Poem Without A Name

This was sent to me by a friend who has babies in heaven:

"The following poem was sent to us by a mother who received it from a friend. The friend had no idea who wrote it. Surely though, whoever did must have been someone like us, to capture not just the pathos of stillbirth, but the emptiness that greets mothers when they step back into the world.

"What is it in our culture that causes so many to fear death so much that they will go out of their way to not even discuss it? Is this aversion like the blinders horses wear, so they are not startled by peripheral events? If so, we’re going to miss a lot of life along the roads we travel for not accepting that all roads have endings.

"We have experienced the best and the worst life has to offer. And yet is there any one of us who – were we given a chance knowing the outcome – would not have gone through the fire? We are not to be pitied for our loss. It is they, who have 'died', but not yet stopped breathing or fallen over, that deserve the pity."


Poem Without A Name

To those who look away when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject when we speak our baby's name,
change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had her at all,
how could we miss her so much,
in our hearts we have seen her live a thousand times.
We have seen her first steps, her first day of school, her wedding, and her children.
We have had her forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.
I thank God for that everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have one in the grave,
and that is one too many.

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life,
the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works,
she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us; we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.
Open your eyes to US,
and you just might see THEM.

-Author Unknown

Mothers

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.

I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

-Author Unknown

Rainbow Baby

A Rainbow Baby is one who comes after the storm of pregnancy loss. The loss is the storm, not the baby lost.

Livy's little brother arrived safely three weeks ago. We're sure that Olivia helped him along the way. He beat all the odds against him being conceived and gestating, and made it through having the cord wrapped around his neck and meconium in his bag of waters before birth.

Miracles do happen. Here's ours:



Thank you, Olivia, for being his guardian angel. We love you and miss you being here on earth with us.

The Time

"You don't heal from the loss because time passes, you heal because of what you do with the time." -Carol Crandall

I totally believe this. I went back to work too soon after we lost our Livy. I threw myself back into a normal routine, gave the same old answers as to what happened when I was asked, and didn't really focus on healing. Months later I was no better. I was almost as raw as the week she was born. I crashed. Hubby and I had a sit-down and discussed it. We decided I needed to quit my job and focus on healing for Olivia, for me, for us, and for our future family. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone who's experienced a loss should quit their job. It just seemed like a good time with the business I worked for being sold to new owners and me crashing all around the same time. Since then I have been able to look at her baby book, scrapbook, and memory box whenever I feel that I need to. I can visit her grave whenever I feel that I need to. I can talk to her without others hearing. I have more time for PAIL meetings if I feel I need outside support. I've finally faced and dealt with the grief and pain, and have come out much the better for it. I headed up a memorial fundraiser for NSS on her first heavenly birthday. I browse the internet looking for other mothers I can help. I've learned how to make this blog more accessible and have tried to chock it full of helpful information for any mother who has experienced a loss who might come across it. (Still need to work a little more on that, I think.) I have prayed... and prayed... and prayed. Then one day I realized that I found peace with what happened to our daughter. I still have sad days, of course, and I still get misty-eyed or cry out of missing her, but for the most part, when I think of her, I feel blessed for being given such a perfect little daughter who was too good for this world. Sometimes I think she was just needed elsewhere and was sent to us for that brief time because she belongs to us, but had very important things to do. I know she is eternally a member of our family, and I can't wait to give her the biggest hug and kiss. I am proud of my daughter, and not ashamed to mention her in day-to-day conversation. She's the best daughter a couple could ever ask for, and we are thankful for her.

In Memory of Ella

December 13, 2008



A Child of Mine

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine", He said .
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be for 6 or seven years,
Or twenty-two or three.
But will you till I call for her
Take care of her for me?

"I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from earth return.
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.

"I've looked the whole world over
In my search for teachers true.
And from the throngs, the crowd, life's lanes
I've selected you.

"So will you give her all your love
Nor count the labor vain?
Nor hate me when I come to call
To take her home again?"

I thought I heard them say,
"Yea, Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy this child will bring
The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness
And love her while we may
And for the happiness she brings
Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll bear the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand".

"I'll lend you for a little while
A child of mine" He said.
"For you to love while she lives
And to mourn for when she's dead".

-Author Unknown

Ella, your family will forever love and remember you, and look forward to the day you will meet again.

New Year Wishes for Bereaved Parents

To the newly bereaved: We wish you patience - patience with yourselves in the painful weeks, months, even years ahead.

To the bereaved sibling: We wish you and your parents a new understanding of each others needs and the beginnings of good communication.

To those who are single parents: We wish you the inner resources we know you will need to cope, often alone with your loss.

To those experiencing marital difficulties after the death of your child: We wish you a special willingness and ability to communicate with each other.

To those of you who have experienced the death of more than one child: We wish you the endurance you will need to fight your way back to a meaningful life once again.

To those of you who have experienced the death of an only child or all of your children: We offer you our eternal gratitude for serving as such inspiration to the rest of us.

To those of you who are plagued with guilt: We wish you the reassurances that you did the very best you could under the circumstances, and that your child knew that.

To those of you who are deeply depressed: We wish you the first steps out of the "Valley of the Shadow".

To all fathers and those of you unable to cry: We wish you healing tears and the ability to express your grief.

To those of you who are exhausted from grieving: We wish you the strength to face just one more hour, just one more day.

To all others with special needs we have not mentioned: We wish you the understanding you need and the assurance that you are loved.

-from a speech by former TCF President, Joe Rousseau