Quiet Christmas Star

Light a quiet candle.
Send a quiet kiss,
Say a quiet fare-thee-well
To the one you miss.
Light a quiet candle,
Shed a quiet tear,
Sing a quiet lullaby,
And the quiet Christmas star will hear.

-Sasha Wagner

A Christmas Poem

I believe in Heaven, where Santa does not go,
But instead the tiny angels find their homes below.

They mend our broken hearts.
They wipe away our tears.
They impart their loving tenderness.
They blow away our fears.

As vivid as the magic of Christmas,
With all the sights and sounds,
With twinkle lights and holly,
Their love is all around.

So have hope no matter what you do.
Your little piece of heaven
Will help you through.

Peace.

-Anne Stenebjem

Christmas Dress

Yes, we are the kinda parents who would have made her wear this to church. :) Okay, maybe not the hat. Wouldn't this be cute with little white tights?!

Absence

The presence of your absence is everywhere!!!! -Peach

Our Christmas Box Ceremony

Olivia's rose is the pink one at the very bottom, front, left corner of the angel statue. We are so glad we went. It felt comforting to us both to be surrounded by people who understood our loss and feelings at this time of the year.

Christmas Box Ceremony

On December 6th of each year, at 7:00PM, a candlelight healing ceremony is held at the base of the Christmas Box Angel monument. After a few remarks, a moment of silence, and a musical number, those who attend are invited to place a flower at the base of the statue.

The Christmas Box Angel monuments are located throughout the United States to provide hope and healing to all those who have experienced the death of a child.

Please call 801-544-1159 with any questions.

Forever Angel

Thank You [Olivia]

[Olivia], you filled me with more love while I carried you than I have known in a lifetime. I cannot begin to describe the joy you brought me.

I want to thank you for each kick and each jab you gave me. Every moment amazed me and warmed my heart. For that I thank you.

At the end of each work day, together we would walk the dog and watch meaningless reality television. It was the best part of my day and for that I thank you.

I wish I could describe the look on your dad's face when we found out you were a girl. You immediately lit up his heart and he lit up the room. I will always remember that moment and for that I thank you.

When people ask me how far along I was or if I knew what I was having, I was so excited to tell them all about you. YES, I would respond, she's a girl... I never felt so proud and for that I thank you.

The moment I saw your face, I fell so deeply in love and in spite of all the sorrow surrounding out circumstance, once I held you in my arms, you brought me absolute peace. For that I thank you.

I don't know why things happened for us the way they did. What I do know is that I am so lucky for every moment I had with my little girl. [Olivia], you are my greatest gift, and now my heart beats for both of us. We love you and miss you every day.

-By Colleen Dempsey, Dedicated to Fallon

Faith, the Build-A-Bear

Every two months we receive a newsletter from SHARE. The most recent one listed suggestions of how to honor and remember babies during the holiday season. One suggestion was to create a Build-A-Bear in memory of your baby, and include it in a holiday family photo to stand in for your baby. Doug and I decided to do this. At first we felt kinda silly being there, but it really was fun. Somehow picking out a pink and white bear made us feel like we found something we could do for Olivia as parents. Picking out pink hair bows made me tear up as I imagined putting them in Olivia's hair. It was a great idea, and we thank SHARE for the suggestion. Look for Faith on our Christmas card this year.

Seasons

It's that special time of year for many
Gifts and songs and wonder plenty
Colors bright and life anew
Holiday cheer and friendship true
Yet for some, the pain of sorrow and
Not knowing what will come tomorrow
In the wake of mourning a child's death
Moment by moment they walk the path
Trying to survive grief's grip of wrath
Be gentle with them this time of year
Whom death has crossed, their cries please hear
Hearts are broken 'neath sorrow and tears
Today, tomorrow, and all of their years
Offer them gifts of kindness and amity
As they face each day of boundless calamity
Light a candle, say a prayer for those who mourn
Who cannot rejoice, their lives now torn
Remember their child and honor their pain
Share the burden and help them sustain
This holiday season, the best gifts you can share
Are your heart and your love,
Your solace and care.

-Joanne Cacciatore, PhD

Loving Pains

Yes, I am in pain.
But it is not an unbearable pain.

I want to sit with it.
I want to be with it while you still feel so close.
I want it to fill every part of my being.

It is not an unbearable pain.
It is a pain that comes from loving so much,
From feeling so much a part of the child I have born.

Nothing has ever touched me like this.
Nothing has ever found every crevice in my body and
My mind and dwelled there like you have.

This is not an unbearable pain.
It's the pain of loving you.

-Linda Nuccitelli

Beaded Angel Ornament

You can make one in memory of any loved one passed.

Beautiful People

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I hope we can all become one of these beautiful people one day, for we all suffer trials.

Whispering Winds of Love

May the winds of love blow softly,
And whisper so you'll hear,
We will always love and miss you,
And wish that you are here.

-Unknown

Too Beautiful

Our Little Pu'kin

Our little pu'kin would have been a little pumpkin for Halloween, if we could have gotten her to wear this thing.



It's always been my favorite baby costume.

I'll Be There

Guardian Angel

I want to share part of an email from a friend:

"Livy is a precious guardian angel. She must have had a much higher calling that simply could not wait. Maybe she's sitting with some Iraqi children, or perhaps some from Africa who will lose their lives as a result of the terrible struggles going on there. Whatever it is, as much as you want her here, be proud of your baby girl."

I never thought of her that way. What a beautiful idea.

Some People

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for a little while,
leave footprints on our hearts,
and we are never, ever the same.

-Author Unknown

October

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rembrance Day.

Please visit the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Website. Thank you.

A Walk to Remember

Our local chapter of SHARE is sponsoring a Walk to Remember on Saturday, October13th. Unfortunately, that is the day we fly to my hometown for a week's visit, so we will not be able to attend. To find a Walk to Remember in your area visit www.nationalshareoffice.com.

No One Knows

Everyone knows it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but no one knows it Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's a very worthy cause too that also deserves funds for research for a cure/prevention.

October is PAIL Awareness Month

My Fondest Dream

"I believe in Christ; he stands supreme! From him I'll gain my fondest dream; And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard: 'Ye shall obtain.'"

-From the LDS hymnal, hymn # 134, I Believe in Christ, text by Bruce R. McConkie

Why Olivia?

It was her name before we knew it. It was always her name, and it was meant to be given to her. One of the very first names that came up was "Olivia". Hubby loved it. In the end we ruled it out because it is such a popular name and we didn't want there to be 5 other Olivia's in her kindergarten class. The night before Olivia was born Hubby and I discussed what to name her. The first name came from Doug who said "Olivia". It clicked. That was it. We immediately knew it. I said "Olivia", and she became Olivia. Then I asked about a middle name. We thought a second. I said a certain name and it clicked again. That was it. We knew it. Olivia. A name beloved by her daddy, with a name shared with her momma and beloved by her grandma, added to the name of her family. It is perfect, and it fits her so well. When I held her the next day, I knew "Olivia" was who she was meant to be.

Grief Brings A Gift

"Our grief always brings a gift. It's the gift of greater sensitivity and compassion for others. We learn to rise above our own grief by reaching out and lessening the grief of others."

Dr. Robert Schuller

Brighten the Heavens

Sorrow is great at the loss of our child,
in parting with one that we love,
That parting was made, that our child might go,
And brighten the heavens above.

-Unknown

Olivia's Due Date Balloon Release Pictures

Our balloon release at Olivia's grave:

Aunt Janis' balloon release:

Momma and Minnie's balloon release:

Thank you to those who participated in a balloon release for Olivia. I guess one of my biggest fears is that she will be forgotten. It deeply touches my heart to know when she is remembered. Thank you.

In Memory of Olivia

Today, or some day around today, you should have been a pink little wrinkly squirmer in our arms. Instead you are one of God's angels, and I know you're in His choir. I remember how you'd move when you heard me sing, or when Daddy'd turn the music up really loud. What a joy you were to us. Our little girl we had waited so long for. We wanted you before we even found each other. I know you helped us find each other. Our tiny daughter. How beautiful you were lying there in our hands. Still and silent. It was like finally being able to see and hold the wind. Our baby girl. How beautifully sad the day was that you were born. Had things been the way we planned, today, or some day around today, would be your birthday. Your nursery would be filled with your cries. Oh, to hear you cry! Your crib would be warm with your heat. My breasts would not have had milk in vain. My arms would not ache. Our loved-ones would be glad to see pictures of you. But, it was not meant to be. Your body was never meant to walk this earth, but you have tread all over our hearts. Today Daddy and I wear pins over our hearts. Pins of a heart, with tiny feet within, to show that you were here. To show that though I no longer carry you in my belly, I will always carry you in my heart. You are real, and though others may, I will never forget you. My baby. My darling. My daughter.

Remembrance

You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray she'll come back or you can open your eyes and see all she left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her and only that she's gone or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what she'd want - smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.

-Author Unknown

Due Date Balloon Release

We are planning a balloon release at Livy's grave on her due date, August 20th. EVERYONE is invited, but we don't expect for you to come. It's nothing formal. Just a little way for us to remember her. We also thought it might be nice for those who were not able to attend the funeral. You can bring a balloon, or not. Nothing is expected. However, if you do bring a balloon please do not bring a metallic-looking mylar one as they do not biodegrade. We will be there at 7:00 PM. There will not be a ceremony or anything, just a moment of silence when you can think or pray, then the balloon release. Please do not feel like you need to come from out-of-town, but you can if you wish. Either way is honestly fine with us. IF YOU KNOW OF ANYONE WHO MIGHT LIKE TO BE THERE PLEASE INVITE THEM FOR US.

Also, thought I'd mention that we have friends and family who live out of state who are releasing balloons for Olivia where they live at the same time we are. If you'd like to do that, that'd be wonderful. If you happen to get a picture, we'll post it here on her memorial blog.

Sadness and Hope

"I can promise you that you will not forget , though the world will move on - maybe without you - for a quiet space anyways- and that sometimes you need to sit with sadness as your friend, to invite her in for tea so that she may tend your suffering - that you should embrace her, welcome her, and listen to her wisdom, for she cannot leave your door until you do..."

- Unknown



"There are times when there are too few words left to heal us, when what we wish for is to be carried, when all we have left is the hope that tomorrow will be a more gentle place to land than today."

-Unknown

Tiny Footprints on a Mother's Heart

When a baby arrives,
be it for a day, a month, a year or more,
or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment-
the fragile spark of a tender soul
the secret swell of a new pregnancy
the goldfish flutter known to only you-
you are unmistakeningly changed...
the tiny footprints left behind on your heart
bespeak your name as Mother.

- Author Unknown

Amazing Scrapbook by Kim

My sis-in-law Kim created an amazing scrapbook with all our pictures of Olivia, starting from the positive prego test all the way to the funeral. There are belly pics, ultrasound pics, baby shower pics, and more. It's absolutely gorgeous. It's obvious how much work was put in to it, and we are so appreciative. She has a wonderful talent.



Having all of Olivia's pictures in one place, and in such a beautiful memory book makes all the difference in the world. I love to look through it and remember how happy having a daughter makes me, and remember the times we shared. I am also so glad to have it to share with our future children. If you'd like, next time you're visiting you should have a look. It really is a treasure. Thank you, Kim.

Just Those Few Weeks

For those few weeks
I had you to myself.
And that seems to short a time
to be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks
I came to know you
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes, plans, dreams and aspirations.
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks.
It wasn't enough to convince others
How special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and so few are mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.

No one would, so why do I?
You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

-Susan Erling

I Am Not A Fetus

I am not a fetus, I am a baby
Perfectly formed, but still.

I am not medical waste of no account,
life’s flotsam and jetsam,
a ganglion of cells,
to be discarded.

I was born with a name,
The product of my parents genes,
Their child. But I came without breath,
And so I am not counted. Or acknowledged

Had I taken a breath or made a whimper,
had a beating heart or moved a limb
I would have been called a baby.

To my mother I am her baby.
It’s how she calls out to me when she cannot sleep,
Pleading, imploring, asking, why.....?

Her love transcends time; our bond of life is not broken,
I was here, flesh of her flesh, blood of her blood,
And I will always be.... Her baby.
Two souls... joined for eternity.

By: Richard Olsen, founder and Executive Director of The National Stillbirth Society

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how she would grow,
The love of my family that she'd come to know.

The sound of her voice as she learns to talk,
Watching her steps as she tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am her mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling her grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's Day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because she's not here with me,
I still have a daughter I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be her mother forevermore!

-Author Unknown

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom do they take his hand,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

-Author Unknown

Lead, Kindly Light

Lead, kindly Light, amid th' encircling gloom;
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene - one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor pray'd that thou
Shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy pow'r hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till
The night is gone.
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Hubby's Dad used this hymn in his talk at Livy's graveside service.

Angel Child

Dear angel child, we've lost you for a while.
Oh, how I long to hold you near my heart.
It hurts me to have to let you go.
How can it be that we should part?

I could not bear it if I did not know
That one day it will be just as before.
I'll cradle you again within my arms,
And feel the joy of holding you once more.

Yet than will be more beautiful than now-
In that sweet world all free from sin and sorrow.
Where only love and goodness you will know-
When you are mine in that bright tomorrow.

Oh angel child, Celestial child of mine,
I thank the Lord for sending you to me.
I pray that I may live to be found worthy
To be with you throughout eternity,
To be with you through out eternity.


This song was written by Dawn Hughes Ballentyne for the parents of Ashley May Draw, and angel child.

Thanks to Kim for sharing this with us.

To the Child in My Heart

O precious, tiny, sweet, little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be.
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had had.

But now you're gone... but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never-
The child we had, but never had,
And yet we'll have forever.

-Unknown

A Welsh Lullaby

, angHush, my dear one, sleep serenely;
Now my lovely, slumber deep.
Mother rocks you, humming lowly;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

Angels hover ever nearer,
Looking on your smiling face.
I will hold you, close enfold you;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

Lovely darling, I will guard you,
Keep you from all woe and harm.
Softly, gently, I will rock you,
Resting sweetly on my arm.

May you slumber e'er so softly;
Dream of visions wondrous fair.
I will hold you, close enfold you;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

May you slumber e'er so softly;
Dream of visions wondrous fair.
I will hold you, close enfold you;
Close your eyes now, go to sleep.

Baby, go to sleep.



Olivia's daddy sang this at her graveside service.

"Livy's Mark"

This is what we call "Livy's mark". It's the only stretch mark I got from being pregnant with Olivia. It is precious and special to me.

We're Pregnant!

Here's the story of when we found out we were pregnant with Olivia, and how we told our family:

Hubby and I had the day off of work for a fertility appointment. We figured we'd take a prego testo before we went just in case. Well, after almost 9 months of taking the tests we didn't expect to get anything other than a negative. It was positive immediately. I couldn't believe it. My eyes got huge, and my jaw dropped. I just stood there for a minute. I picked it up and tried to take it to Hubby a few times, but kept turning around, putting it in the light, and staring at it. After not hearing anything from me for a couple minutes Hubby hollered, "What does it say?", or something like that. I said, "Well, tell me what you think.", and took it to him. He saw my hand shaking when I handed the test to him and got an excited look on his face. He looked at it, then looked at me with the biggest smile. "We're pregnant! We're pregnant! Oh, my gosh!" was said a lot. Big hugs and kisses. We went out and bought a baby book that evening.

We wanted to wait until Christmas to tell anyone about it. It was our year to go to my hometown. We pasted pictures of the positive test in Christmas cards. We took one back home and taped one to Hubby's parent's Christmas gift. After my Momma and Grandma picked us up at the airport we went out to eat. Before we ate I handed Momma the card. She opened it, but she and Grandma couldn't make out what the picture was. At first she said, "What is it, a nail file?" I told her to turn it sideways and then she saw it. She yelled "You're pregnant? You're pregnant?" so loud that the whole restaurant knew. Big hugs and kisses. We had planned for Hubby's Dad to open his and Mom's card at the Christmas get-together with the family even though we weren't able to be there. He did, couldn't make out what the picture was, and put the card aside. Someone asked him what it said. He picked it up again, looked at it, and though it was maybe a nail file. The whole while Hubby was on the phone with one of his sisters. Hubby told his sister to tell Dad to hand the card to a girl. He did, and then everyone knew. Lots of congrats over the phone.

A Free Way to Help Support Cord Accident Research

Click here to read about a free way to help support cord accident research: I GIVE. Thank you.

Joseph F. Smith Quote

In the book, The Life Beyond, President Joseph F. Smith said this, "Joseph Smith declared that the mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the measure of the stature of its spirit. If this be true, and I believe it, what a consolation it is...It matters not whether these tabernacles mature in this world, or have to wait and mature in the world to come, according to the word of the Prophet Joseph Smith, the body will develop, either in time or in eternity, to the full stature of the spirit, and when the mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition than it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

Trial Number Five

Carefully thy laid
Put on the table
Trials one, two, three,
Four, five, and six.

"Choose one," they said.

"Oh, any," she cried, with a horror
Born of the best of Halloweens,
"Any but number five.
It would kill me.
I promise you, I would not survive."

They thanked her graciously,
Escorted her out,
Then gift-wrapped, addressed,
And labeled "Special Delivery"
Trial number five-

Sent with love from
Those whose assignment it is
To make sure you know
That you can go
Through trials one, two,
Three, four, ninety-nine,
Or five-
And incredibly,
Come out alive.

-Carol Lynn Pearson

Self Image

I don’t exactly blame myself.
I don’t exactly feel less of a woman and
I’m not exactly ashamed of my body.
But wheeling her in the carriage in the park
Or carrying her in a blanket in my arms
Or nursing her in front of my friends
Would have made me feel proud.
It isn’t shame I feel.
It the absence of pride.

Marion Cohen

Mother Theresa Quote

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much".