Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

-Wanda Bencke

Beaded Angel Ornament

You can make one in memory of any loved one passed.

Holiday Remembering

Ideas to Remember Your Baby During the Holidays

- Light candle at a set time every evening to remember you beloved child, sibling, or grandchild.
- Volunteer to help others once per week in remembrance of your child.
- Meditate or pray for all the families experiencing the death of a child each day this month.
- Create a loss journal of every "remembrance activity" you participate in.
- Create a work of art such as a clay project, video, scrapbook, or musical composition.
- Write ten letters or cards of gratitude to those someones special in your life.
- Devote yourself to reading one meaningful book during this month about love, life, and loss.

Taken from www.missfoundation.org.

Where Are You Christmas?

This song touches my heart every Christmas. I have always loved Christmas, but just couldn't get into the spirit of it the year we lost Olivia. Then I heard this song. It didn't magically make me feel better and make my Christmas perfect, but it did remind me that it's okay to be sad and grieve. There will be many more Christmas' to come, and though she is not there in person Olivia will always be there is spirit. Since then she has become my Christmas spirit. The last verse of the song may not apply now, but I could cling to the hope it inspires that one day it will apply - that one day I will be healed in a way that I am able to be happy knowing she is safe and sound and having a wonderful Christmas right along with us. What a gift a child is, and who better to know this than someone who has lost theirs. Who better knows of the pain our Heavenly Father experienced when He gave His Only Begotten. In time Christmas will take on this new meaning for those who have lost children, and they will see Christmas in a way they never thought they could. When you are ready, and if you let it, you will one day see the gift that Christmas really represents, be filled with the hope of it, and be able to hold your child in your heart with joy.

Christmas Box Ceremony

The Christmas Box Angel Statue was introduced to the world in the book The Christmas Box, a worldwide bestseller and hit television movie by author Richard Paul Evans. In the book, a woman mourns the loss of her child at the base of an angel monument. Though the story is mostly fiction, the angel monument once existed but is speculated to have been destroyed. The new angel statue was commissioned by Richard Paul Evans, in response to reports that grieving parents were seeking out the angel as a place to grieve and heal. The monument was dedicated on December 6, 1994-corresponding with the date of the child’s death in The Christmas Box (Coincidentally, Dec. 6th is celebrated in many parts of the world as Children’s Day). At the request of Sexton Paul Byron and Salt Lake City Mayor Deedee Corradini, Salt Lake City donated the land on which the monument stands. The sculpture is the creation of a father and son from Salt Lake City, Utah, Ortho and Jared Fairbanks, and modeled according to the description in Evans’ book. The face of the angel is that of Evans’ second daughter, Allyson-Danica. If you look closely you can find on the angel’s right wing (west) the word "hope."Flowers, sent from around the world, adorn the base of the monument year round, accompanying notes left by parents for their "little angels." On December 6th of each year (7 p.m. MST) a candlelight healing ceremony is held at the base of the Christmas Box Angel monument. After a few remarks, a moment of silence, and the lullaby of a children’s choir, the attendees are invited to leave a white flower at the base of the angel statue. The public is welcome.

In addition to the angel in the Salt Lake City cemetery, there are Christmas Box Angels in more than 25 other areas erected by great people just like you. Furthermore, there are nearly 100 in the works, and at least a dozen of these have dedication dates. Click here to locate a Christmas Box Angel near you.

In Memory of Aidan

November 8, 2008



Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so I could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Aidan, you will be forever loved and forever missed.

Time

"Time didn't heal, it numbed. Like a good anesthetic, it made the pain more bearable but it never went away." -C. Kelly

An Angel Hug

Angels are ever all around us,
And with love they do surround us.
When my heart is sore in need,
The angels come, my soul to feed.
They come to me from up above,
And sing in whispers of love.
When in my heart I feel a tug,
I know that it's an angel's hug.

-Unknown

Too Perfect

The time has come to say goodbye,
But still we have to question why.
You were with us just a short time,
But you left your love and memories behind.
I tell myself it's not fair you were taken from me,
But I know your greater purpose was not to be.
In our hearts ans minds you will remain
Aside from all the sadness and the pain.
You will always be our little girl,
Too perfect for this imperfect world.

-Don Billmire

PAIL Awareness Day

For Others Too

Some of our family and friends may wonder why I keep this blog going. It is, of course, in memory of our beautiful daughter, and is also for us to have a place to go to and remember our her, but it is for others too. I have received many emails from people all over the nation thanking me for this blog. I selected the option to have it come up in Google searches and have worked on posting helpful support links for those who might come across it. Pregnancy and infant loss is such a tough trial to have to go through. When it happens to you you go through it for the rest of your life. There are good days, sometimes even good weeks or months, but the sadness and grief of it always come back for a visit every now and then. Most people do not know where to turn. I am grateful for the support we have been given, know how much it helps, and want to make it available for others. If you know of anyone, anyone who could benefit from this blog, even in the slightest, please share it with them. There are helpful links, songs, poems, etc. for parents who have suffered a miscarriage(s), stillbirth(s), or a neonatal loss(s). If you know of any links or information I can post here that I do not already have posted please let me know. No matter how they were lost our babies are all angel friends who want to see us happy. If I have helped to give one person a tiny bit of that happiness then I can know I have made my daughter proud.

Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so i could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

Letting Go

To let go isn't to forget, not to think about or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn't winning and it isn't losing. It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or madness. It's not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not defeat. To let go is to cherish memories but to overcome and to move on. It is having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will have soon again. Letting go is having the courage to accept change and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door and to clear a path and to set yourself free.

-Gloria Abraham

First Due Date Anniversary

If things had gone the way we planned you would be turning one year old some time around today. Learning how to walk. "Momma" and "Daddy"ing. But, it was not meant to be. Still, it's hard not to think about what might have been.

Oh how the absence of your giggles and cries hurts our ears, and our hearts! How we've ever made it through to this far is beyond me. We notice you not being there the most when we're around family. Someone is missing. How wonderful that they all have you for an angel though!

We remember you this time of year, dream about a non-existent present, and know how happy you must be with the view you have from where you are. A visual view and a spiritual view only someone like you can have.

We love you and miss you every single day. We can't wait to hold you in our arms once more.

All We Have To Do

My favorite movies are "The Lord of The Ring" movies. In the first movie Frodo, the hero, gets stuck with the very unfortunate and grueling task of destroying a very evil ring. With tears streaming down his face Frodo says, "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had ever happened." Frodo's close friend and mentor, Gandalf, replies, "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Every time I hear these quotes tears stream down my face. I think, "I wish this pain had never come to me. I wish little Liv would have never died." Gandalf's reply always hits me. "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." For a long while time stood still for me. Yet at the same time it was passing too quickly. These conflicting feelings created a pause in my life where I just stopped. I stumbled around without a reason or cause forgetting things that were once important to me. I am just now starting to "play" again. Slowly I am learning to move on while at the same time carry this, carry her with me. Though Gandalf's words always struck me I am just now beginning to follow them. Sometimes I thought I was following them. I'd have little spurts. It no longer feels like spurts. I am deciding.

Without

They say there is a reason.
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor season
Will change the way I feel.
For no one knows the heartache
That lies behind our smiles.
No one knows how many times
We have broken down and cried.
We want to tell you something
So there won't be any doubt.
You're so wonderful to think of,
but so hard to be without.

-Unknown

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide,
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul, thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul, the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul, when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Should / Would Be

Getting together with family this past weekend was wonderful, but a little tough at the same time. We all know Olivia should have been there crawling around. Seeing the two youngest grandkids play together was the toughest knowing there was someone missing who would be right in between them in age. It's a weird feeling. She's there in the back of my mind. Sometimes I thought I saw a glimpse of her in amongst the other kids. But it didn't make me cry. It made me smile. My daughter who I am so very proud of. It would just be nice if I could brag on her like other moms do. What a valiant little spirit she is. I know she comes to visit. Instead of making me feel sadness from her absence it made me happy for her presence. What a gift she is.

I don't mention this to make others feel they have to do something about it. No need to tiptoe. This is something we will carry for the rest of our lives. Nothing to do about it. Life goes on and time heals though scars remain. We are just still learning how to live with the scars.

Some days are very hard for me, yes, but this was different. It is sad she wasn't there in body, but I know she is where she is meant to be. I am glad to be reminded of her. Even if it's of her absence. I know where she fits in, and she does too. Someday that little piece of the puzzle will be put in it's place and what a beautiful picture we'll have.

My good sweet girl. Momma IS proud of you, and loves to think of you. How wonderful to have felt peace in the obvious presence of your absence.

Lately

Lately I've been missing Olivia more than usual. I don't have many memories of her, so the few I do keep running through my mind. Unfortunately most of them are mixed with sadness because she was born still. It was like I was watching a movie, but was in it. Going from one day expecting a bouncing baby girl in three months, to the next day being induced and in labor giving birth to my dead daughter. I remember the labor pains, and the helpless look on Hubby's face. I remember the tears and look of pity from the nurses. This is not what I wanted. I wanted my healthy baby girl and happiness around me and congratulations. I don't know that I'll ever have that. Every gal dreams of being in the hospital bed holding her baby with flowers and pink or blue balloons around and having family visit. Slowly those dreams are dying for me. I am, however, eternally grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant, feel my baby move within me, and to have given birth. I know lots of women aren't even blessed with that, and thank the Lord every day for it. As bad as it hurt, I can honestly say I loved it because it was all I ever wanted.

This song reminds me of the day Livy was born:

Olivia's absence has been much more apparent lately. I don't know what it is. I've gotten used to everyone having babies around me, so it's not that. I don't know why, but her absence was very obvious to me on our recent camping trip. I felt someone was missing from our family. Even though I never had to care for her outside my womb I felt as though I should be chasing someone, keeping up with someone, a little almost walking someone. My arms ached for her. It was so weird to have these feelings about her. I tried to shake them because they were nonsense, but couldn't. At night I felt I should be making a baby bed in out tent. What? I mentally said. Why? There were a few times when that second nature thing kicked in and I almost started doing things like this. Then, when I realized there was no need I felt that familiar stab of pain. She's not here.

Maybe it has to due with infertility on top of Olivia dying added to the emotions of adopting. I really don't know. I know we haven't been "trying" for very long, but the more time that passes the fewer our chances are. I haven't been through a lot of things other women have as far as infertility treatments are, but I'm already tired of it. I'm tired of tests after tests and blood and procedures and doctors and waiting and waiting. Seems like the more tests they do the more things they find wrong. How's that helping?

I know other women have the same emotions as me, and life is tough for everyone, but these are mine. This pain belongs to me, and therefore can only be real to me. I'm tired of apologies and pitiful looks, although I do appreciate the concern. I just want to be like everyone else and have babies. I've always wanted this and have never wanted anything more. Always thought it'd be so easy. Such is life. The one thing you want is the one thing you can't have.

I know I have many other blessings, and have so much to be grateful for, but I'd give almost every bit of that up for a child. Just one. I just want one baby. Why is that so hard? Course if I had one I'd want another, I'm sure. But for now, oh to have a baby in my arms to call my own - our own.

My heart aches, my soul yearns, my being craves. It's hard to be a mommy without any babies.

Dear Daddy

Don't cry for me, Daddy,
I am right here.
Although you can't see me,
I see your tears.
I visit you often.
I go to work with you each day,
And when it's time to close your eyes
On your pillow's where I lay.
I hold your hand and stoke your hair,
And whisper in your ear.
If you're sad today, Daddy,
Remember I am here.
You will always be my daddy
Even though I'm not here with you.
I'm Daddy's little girl.
We will never be apart-
For every time you think of me
Please know I'm in your heart.
I love you, Daddy!
Your baby girl.

-Author Unknown

A Childless Father

A childless father sits silent
His still baby in his mind
His grief looked down upon
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father fell to his knees
He screams to God in anger
He was shaken to his core
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

A childless father is strong and tall
Let him be helpless by his wife
Let him grieve so that his heart heals
Didn’t he suffer a great loss?

A childless father needs support
He is angry and sad because of his pain
He lost his child and the dreams of that life
Didn’t his child deserve to live?

-Tara Luning

Tiny Feet

One Small Child

"And can it be that in a world so full and busy, the loss of one small child makes a void in any heart, so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!"
-Charles Dickens

Mother's and Father's Day

Something to Think About as Mother's Day and Father's Day Approaches

Parental love involves a never-ending commitment and plenty of opportunities to care for and assume responsibility for your child. Parental grief challenges you to find a way to live with the frustration of being robbed of the opportunity to directly care and be responsible for your child.

Parental love involves having plenty of opportunities for emotional and physical contact with your child. Parental grief challenges you to find a way to continue loving your child without continued contact.

Parental love involves having dreams and expectations for the future of your child. Parental grief challenges you to find solace and meaning in a life briefly lived.

Parental love involves knowing where your child is. Parental grief challenges you to find a safe place for your child.

Parental love involves attending to your child's needs when he is in your presence. Parental grief challenges you to learn not to look after your own needs when you sense your child's presence or struggle with her absence.

Parental love involves an expanded capacity for love and life. parental grief challenges you to find the use for the expanded capacity, to not let it go to waste or whither away.

Because parental love is never ending, so too is parental grief. You don't really get over the death of your child, you just learn to live with it.

And so, on this special day when you celebrate your role as a mother or father, be kind to yourself. Give yourself a hug. Give yourself some time alone. Give yourself permission to remember, to cry, to miss your child, to tell others how you feel. But, most important of all, remember to celebrate the special gift of parental love, the lasting gift that your child has given you, a gift that not even death can take away.

-Karen Martin

Dear Mr. Hallmark

You Are a Mother

A mother's love persists
Despite the time or distance
Weathering storms of adversity and absence
A mother's love persists
Despite tears and heartaches
In spite of all enemies
And until her own last dying breath
A mother's love persists
Beyond the grave
Stronger than death
Enduring and everlasting
A mother's love persists
You are a mother, even in the physical absence of your child
You are a mother.
Because a mother's love persists.

-Unknown

I Am a Mother

I am a mother
But like most others
I am a special mother
I held my daughter
Even though only in my womb

I am a mother
Even though my daughter is no longer
At least...not on earth
He lives in heaven
With our sweet Father
Which is far better

I am a mother
Like most others
To an angel...to whom I gave birth

I am a mother
Like most others
Who doesn’t get to throw parties
For those special occasions…like birthdays
Instead, we hold a silent party...in our hearts and heads

I am a mother...unlike some
Who hold their babies in their arms
I am a mother...who holds her daughter
So close to her heart

I am a mother...some beg to differ
I am a mother...though some may not agree
I am a mother
Who’s child is no longer with her
But...I am a mother

I am a mother...who can only dream
Of the day she holds her baby
For the first time in her arms
But never lets her leave her heart

I am a mother
Far from my daughter
But I am a mother…who will never forget
The day she lost her first baby

I am a mother...who dreams
Of a rocking chair in heaven
Where I will someday...hold her close
When she cries or when I kiss her goodnight

I am a mother who…
Instead of holding my daughter’s hand
For the first day of school
Holds onto memories
That will never come true

I am a mother...who visits a cemetery instead of a school
I am a mother...who will never see
What her child will grow to be

I am a mother who cries herself to sleep...sometimes
I am a mother who sometimes rocks herself

I am a mother who gets to wonder what would be
I am a mother who wonders...What would she be?

Most of all...I Am A Mother

-Patricia Hollie

If Tears Could Build a Stairway

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane,
I would walk right up to Heaven
and bring you back again.

No farewell words were spoken,
no time to say "Goodbye",
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.

My heart still aches with sadness,
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to love you-
No one can ever know.

But now I know you want me
to mourn for you no more;
To remember all the happy times,
life still has much in store.

Since you'll never be forgotten,
I pledge to you today-
A hollowed place within my heart
is where you'll always stay.

-Unknown

Happy First Birthday Olivia

Thank you to Marie's friend Vickie for creating this graphic as a gift for Olivia.

Today it is snowing while the sun is shining. This weather fits our emotions today.


Thank you to Hubby's friend Becky for the "My First Minnie".

Thank you so much to everyone for the heart-felt emails, card, text, and gifts. It means a lot to know you're thinking of Olivia today, and sending us well wishes.

Before she was born:

After she was born:

Just Once

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms.
Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.
I wish I could have changed a diaper,
chosen an outfit for the day,
given you a bath,
soothed your skin with lotion.
Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me.
Spent time alone with you,
Just the two of us,
strolled you proudly through the shopping mall.
Just once I wish I could have heard the words
"What a beautiful, healthy baby girl".
Just once.

-Author Unknown

My Little Girl

I met you last year, and the time we spent together was brief
You may not know this, but at first glance I knew you were sweet.

I held you in my arms and I saw your whole life pass by in a glance
I saw your first day of school, and your first high school dance.

I saw your first baby steps and the first tooth that came in
I heard the first time you said "Da-da," and saw the first time I let you win.

I saw your first walk to school, on your first day of class.
I could picture me saying how I thought time was going by too fast...

I saw from your very first Christmas, and your first Easter egg hunt.
To the very first Halloween costume that you really did want.

I imagined reading you books as you fell fast asleep for the night
And I would give you advice as you went through the pitfalls of life.

I could see your first boyfriend, through giving you away at the altar.
Now, you can guess that the man holding you in his arms was your father.

You may not have been able to see me but I know you felt my love.
I know you felt my kisses and all my gentle hugs.

You will forever be with me, no matter where I am in this world.
My name is [___], but call me "Daddy," and you will always be my little girl.

-Dennis Sparrow

Memorial Fundraiser

We just started a fundraising campaign and it would mean a lot to us if you can help us out. All funds raised will go to The National Stillbirth Society in honor of Olivia's first birthday on May 1, 2008.

Donated funds to stillbirth research are low due to the public not being aware of just how large of a problem stillbirths are. Also, many families of stillborn babies are understandably not comfortable discussing the matter. In fact, up until recently they were told by doctors not to discuss the matter.

The numbers are shocking. An estimated 26,000 SADS deaths occur annually in the U. S., many of them at or near full term. Stated another way, 1 in every 115 deliveries is a "still" baby. Despite advances in so many areas of obstetrics, the incidence of stillbirths in many states has been rising in over the past decade.

Very slowly, awareness is being raised. It is our hope that with that awareness comes a realization of the need to fund research to prevent these deaths. Breath outside the womb is the only difference in SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and SADS (Sudden Antenatal Death Syndrome). Though the subject is not a comfortable one, we need to make SADS as well known as SIDS, and raise funds to help find a cure.

Please take a quick minute to browse our fundraising webpage by going to http://www.SupportOurGroup.com/ZF760.

Please spread the word! Share this fundraiser with a friend.

We really appreciate your help. Thanks for your support!

To Live

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."

-Thomas Campbell

The Butterfly

He had her there, resting on the palm of his hand for a while.
She was all he ever wanted.
Sometimes her wings were closed.
Motionless.
At other times, she spread her wings open in the bright sunshine,
Displaying her colorful patterns.
But he couldn't keep her.
He knew that.
She was born to fly.
She had been beautiful in his hand, but in flight she soared.
In the garden amongst the colorful, sweet-fragranced flowers.
Her habitat.
Free.
In letting her go, he made her happy.
But she was always to remember his warmth and his love.
Always and forever.
For all eternity.

-Roberta Adams

My Tiny Footprints

These are my tiny footprints,
So perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
Never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,
For now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
For other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints
In the patter of the rain,
Gentle drops of angel tears,
Of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints
In each Butterfly's lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
If you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints
In the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
And call on each that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints
Are found on Mommy and Daddy's heart,
'Cause even though I'm gone now
We NEVER truly part.

-Unknown

Angel

Once I held and angel,
So very close to me.
I watched her run and jump and play,
But only in my memory.
I waited for the day she'd come,
She'd bring such joy to all.
Then the angel was called home,
She never had to fall.
She was too perfect for this world.
She didn't need to stay.
She went straight up to heaven.
I'll join her there someday.

-Unknown

Little Living Liv

3/22/07, 18 weeks 3 days

This was the last time we saw Olivia living and breathing (yes babies this old "breathe" in the womb). A week or so later was the last time we heard her heartbeat. We are so thankful we have recorded it, and had this extra ultrasound done.

Spring

I don't know what it is, but spring brings sorrow to my heart this year. Is it that new life is springing up all around me? Is it that winter is gone and the world no longer matches my feelings? Is it that I am missing buying an Easter dress for my daughter, like we were looking forward to doing when we found out she was a girl?

Thankfully spring also brings a reminder of the atonement, the plan of salvation, and the gift of eternal families. Reminding myself of these things helps me get through the hard times. Though I don't show it as I should, I am thankful for the undying love of our Father in heaven.

The Shopping Trip

As I peruse the aisles,
of the local store,
I see things more differently,
than I ever have before.

"Daddy's Little Angel",
the embroidered bibs do read.
But Daddy's angel is in Heaven,
and bibs she does not need.

She does not need a bottle,
a dress or a toy.
Of buying those things for her,
we shall never know the joy.

There are tiny jars of baby food,
that she will never eat,
And shiny shoes with buckles,
that will never touch her feet.

As the bikes and trikes taunt me,
from high up on the rack,
Tears will break free from my eyes,
if I dare look back.

I run off to the restroom,
to blow my nose and cry.
I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,
and let out a sigh.

I must go face the paper,
college and wide rule,
That my little angel,
will never use in school.

I hurry past the greeting cards,
that the people chose with care,
And I am reminded,
of the holidays we shall not share.

In the checkout line I bow my head,
and heavy is my heart,
For the family right in front of me,
has a newborn in their cart.

Shopping in the local store,
used to be mundane.
Now every aisle's full of items,
which remind me of my pain.

So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,
the money from my purse,
And hurry away from those who don't know my pain,
in this foreignly happy universe.

by Linda Vicory

Livy Bump

March 8, 2007

Stars

"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost loved ones pour through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

-Unknown

Little Princess?

Today we went to a ballet of Cinderella. It was the first time going to a ballet for both of us. It was beautiful. Adding to it's beauty were about a hundred little girls in the audience all dressed up in there prettiest dresses with curls in their hair and crowns on their heads. Some were even wearing princess costumes. It was daddy-daughter night and the daddy-daughter couples looked their best for their special evening out together. We couldn't help but think of you, Olivia, and wonder if you'd be a little princess or a tomboy. Of course we think of you as a pretty little princess angel, but that very well may not be the case. We hope you dropped in on us tonight and heard us talking about you during intermission. We wonder if you'd've let Mommy take you to ballet classes or if you'd've let Daddy take you to theater classes, or if you'd rather play basketball and softball. You were in our thoughts tonight, and we hope you know how much you're loved.

Valentine's Day

The First Time We Saw You

The first time we saw you was a year ago today. You were so tiny on that ultrasound screen. It was love at first sight. You waved at us and our eyes teared. It was finally happening to our family. No, we didn't have to wait very long, only nine months, but it seemed like forever. But no more. There you were - happy and healthy, and saying hello. I wonder if you knew then that you would be here for only a short time. No matter. Today you are once again happy and healthy, and though we can't see you, we know you're still waving at us.



11 weeks 4 days

An Angel's Kiss

We go through life so often
Not stopping to enjoy the day,
And we take each one for granted
As we travel on our way.

We never stop to measure
Anything we just might miss,
But if the wind should blow by softly
You'll feel an angel's kiss.

A kiss that is sent from heaven;
A kiss from up above;
A kiss that is very special
From someone that you love.

For in your pain and sorrow
An angel's kiss will help you through.
This kiss is very private,
For it is meant for only you.

So when your hearts are heavy,
And filled with tears and pain,
And no one can console you
Remember once again

About the one you grieve for
Because you sadly miss
And the gentle breeze you took for granted
Was just an angel's kiss.

-Peggy Bouse

Your Delight

"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

-Kahil Gibran

Unless You've Lost A Child...

Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it. A part of us died with our child. Don't tell us they are in a better place. They are not here with us where they belong. Don't say at least they are not suffering. We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all. Don't tell us at least we have other children. Which of your children would you have sacrificed? Don't ask us if we fell better. Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Don't tell us at least we had our child for the time we did. What time would you choose for your child to die? Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear. Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just an unbearable pain. Don't tell us you know how we feel unless you have lost a child. No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things. Don't take our anger personally. We don't know who we are angry at and why and may lash out at those closest to us. Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room. We are in pain, but not deaf. Don't stop calling us after the initial loss. our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us. Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away. We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others. Don't tell us to get on with our lives. We each grieve differently and in our own time frame. Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you're sorry. We're sorry too, and your saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Even if you're more sorry that we hurt than you are at our child's passing. It wasn't your child and you weren't as close to them as we were so we'll understand. Just say you're sorry. Do put your arms around us and hold us. We need your strength to get us through each day. Do say you remember our child, if you do. Even if you just remember us being pregnant or how happy we were when we were pregnant. Memories are all we have left and we cherish them. Do let us talk about our child. Our child may have or may not have lived, but still lives in our hearts, forever. Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings. Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process. Cry with us if you want to. Do remember us on special dates. Our child's birth date, death date, due date, and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child. Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child. We do. Do show our family that you care. Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain. Do be thankful for children.

-taken from the "Utah Share" Newsletter January/February 2008